Dating Amanda

Making the Most of Online Dating: The Middle

2012-02-13T00:00:00.000-05:00

Did you see my first installment of this mini-series last week? If not, check out Making the Most of Online Dating: The Beginning.

First Date Theory
Those first dates can be quite an experience. When finding a date online, I always look at the first date as a meet 'n' greet more so than a real date. Why? Because it can be nerve-wracking and often it can be difficult to totally open up or get a good read on someone in, let's say, four hours. You go on the first date to see if you want to go on a second date. I get a lot more nervous for the second date.

First date theory is pretty simple:

Have fun.
Learn the basics.
Put your best foot forward.
Establish second date criteria.
Stay safe.

I already wrote a post you can check out on First Date Prep that might be useful, as well.

Location and Timing
Remember to be conscience about your location and timing of a date. I happen to enjoy the mid-week first date because it's a nice pick-me-up and you have work the next day so you each have a reason to end the date if it is bad or even if it is good - then you are set up for another date.

Meet anywhere, eh?

I try to make sure first dates never go past 10pm at the latest. You want to keep yourself to three to four hours face time to get a good flavor of the person.

Coffee is safe and dinner is nice. If you are not sure about your date's dietary needs or you don't share a common love of some food, keep your food choice somewhat casual with a good selection and reasonable prices.

Questions and Stories
You can't learn about someone if you don't ask questions. You want to make sure your questions are open-ended but not vast. One site stated you should ask something like, "Would you give it all away to live on a sailboat?" as a good one. It's not. I would say, "No. I don't know how to sail." Then it would be awkward.

Thou doth jest!

The best questions to ask are those that inspire or create the need for a story. Sometimes it is hard to land one on your first go, but, if you brainstorm a little and set the goal of getting a good story from your date, you will succeed.

Storytelling is one of those things that link humans together. Think of how you build relationships with your friends and family - through stories, not question and answers. You want to ask about how someone got that funky tattoo or how s/he got into some specific line of work that you never heard of.

The point is, try to get your date to tell you a story without saying, "Tell me a story."

Likewise, when you are asked a question, you should work on telling a couple stories that are fun and engaging.

Honesty
It is important to always be honest. This doesn't mean you need to be too honest. You should always work to present the best version of your true self. Don't work too hard to hide what you think is a flaw - a lot of perceived flaws are actually very attractive. Plus, you are going on date, your date didn't think it was enough of a flaw to not want to spend some time getting to know you.

Seems like good advice

Never lie or present yourself in a manner that you don't feel natural, comfortable and confident in. Give yourself a good shine

Image Credit
Map from shadedrelief.com
Storytelling from paulbarsch.wordpress.com
Honesty from spunkysuzi.blogspot.com.

Perspective: Dating Translations

2012-02-10T00:00:00.000-05:00

Love some Cracked.com! Check out the original post on Cracked.

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Do You Have A Perspective?
I'm always looking for people to guest post! Send me your thoughts at DatingManda@gmail.com.

Great Advice #44: Second Chances

2012-02-09T00:00:00.000-05:00

I have a good feeling about the number 44. I also enjoy the number 54.

The choices we make today are allowed to change

Context

I'm not sure where or when I heard this, but, it has stuck with me because I happen to be stubborn enough that when I decide on something, I rarely let myself to back and consider I made a wrong choice.

Application
Everyone dreams of a second chance - have you been given second chances to yourself? After all, that is all an edited choice is.

Maybe you choose to break-up with your mate and you went on and on to your friends, and self, about how it was the right decision for a million and one reasons. You might even have decided to continue a relationship that is becoming abusive or toxic. After making whatever choice, you find yourself regretting it.

In relationships, you make choices. Never believe you have to live with a choice. If you find you made a mistake, don't be afraid to admit you have been wrong and go back to make it right. Even if things don't end up the way you wanted when you do go back, never deny yourself the chance.

Have you ever been given a second chance?

Like My Advice?
To catch up on past posts, you can visit my Great Advice Series page which contains a complete list of links to all my Thursday posts.

As always, if you think you have some good advice for me to report on, leave me a comment on this post or email me at DatingManda@gmail.com.

Making the Most of Online Dating: The Beginning

2012-02-08T00:00:00.000-05:00

If you are online dating - woooo!

Seriously, I tell a lot of people the whole dating game and online dating game is a game of pure statistics. You cannot expect to book dates, find relationships or meet people if you sit alone in your room or refuse to respond to messages or send messages out.

Choosing a Service
The right service can make all the difference when you are looking for a relationship. Paying for an online service might get you more serious daters than a free site, a less mainstream site might be better if you have specific needs or wants.

Help me Internetz!

Do a little research on dating sites before you commit entirely. Many sites are either free or offer a free trial - you should take advantage of these. This is the equivalent of finding the right bar or social club to join to find the right people you click with. AdultFriendFinder.com is not the same as Match.com or eHarmony.com or even NoLongerLonely.com.

Set Your Expectations
You get your account and you see 10,000 potential dates in your area. Awesome! Let's do this! Ok, let's take a moment before you go diving into your new target rich environmental and chase away all the good stuff.

Uh oh

Setting your expectations is key when you are dating because your first date right out the door is unlikely to be "the one" and you might even crash and burn a couple times. This can be painful. It can also be reduced and avoided. Bring up your search criteria and do a little soul-searching about what your deal breakers are. Deal breakers aren't normally things like "redheads" or "has cats." Keep your list looking like this:

No drug use.
Employed.
No criminal record.
Has time for a relationship - works no more than 50 hours a week.

While we are thinking about expectations, look at every picture and profile with a grain of salt. It's not so much that everyone lies, but, you can estimate that most profile stories and pictures show only the best of someone and that might be a thin slice of the pie. So, yes, you are going to be lied to.

Set Up a Good Profile
I actually wrote two stellar articles about profiles which you can read:

Fundamentals: Your Photo: Post updated, clear, honest, clean photos of yourself. Put your best foot forward. Don't post photos from 7 years ago (unless you look exactly the same) and don't only post photos where you look 10lbs lighter or, you know, those photos where someone says, “Hey, you look really good there!” The bulk of your pictures should be natural, clear and look like you – flaws and all!
Fundamentals: Your Profile: Having a shinny, thought-out profile communicates to the masses, “I put some thought into this, I'm not a loser, I'm pretty awesome, actually.” Having a junky, error-ridden profile says, “I will treat you like I treated this profile! You will be confused and unsatisfied.”

First Messages
I have a simple rule when I am online dating - respond to every message. Anyone who takes the time to email me will get at least one reply from me. However, not everyone has such a policy so you need to make sure you spend some time in crafting a good message. (You can learn more about the importance of your message by reading The Online Bar (First Impressions).

You need to focus on this message and keep it as non-threatening and almost bland as possible. Why? Because the person getting your message doesn't know who you are and might have been contacted by a lot of creeps. You want to make sure your message comes across as being of good intent, high-interest and intelligent. Then your profile will speak for the rest.

I will request, humbly, you avoid copyin-n-pastin the same generic message to everyone. First, you never know if you are going to send it to the same person twice. Second, just don't do it.

To ensure a good message keep the following points in mind:

Write well: Be literate. Never ever use the following words - wat, luv, u, ur, ya, r.
Avoid physical compliments: On your first message, avoid complimenting someone on his/her looks. Don't call someone sexy, pretty or beautiful. You might be able to get away with, "You have a nice smile" but I would suggest avoid sending a message that might make the recipient thing s/he is just a piece of meat.
Be specific: Pick out one or two specific, non-sexual things you like about this person you are writing to. The more you can display a common interest about something, the more you are making a connection and inspiring the recipient to respond.

Being Safe

I did write an article at the birth of this blog about being safe when you are online dating. It is very, very important you understand there is an element of danger when you use online dating to meet people. A true predator can easily convince you to drop your guard and get you into a bad situation. Even scam artists will try to get your money all under the guise of love. (Read more about this on my Safety and Online Dating post).

Never invite someone to your residence.
Never give out your personal information.
Never do anything you are comfortable with.
Always let someone you know where you are.
Always meet in public places.
Always listen to your gut.

Image Credits

Expectations previous sited.

Online dating from midlifebachelor.com

The Next Level: Prepare to Engage

2012-02-07T00:00:00.000-05:00

Are you ready?

If you are into marriage, there will come a point in your dating career when you might want to asks someone to legally and contractually love you. Now, I have some friends who don't believe in "marriage" because they see it as the government or outside forces claiming they need to acknowledge the relationship for it to be real.

I can't argue with that - loving someone is very personal and doesn't require outside influences. However, being married comes with a wide range of benefits from tax breaks to the ability to legally make decisions for the other and share property and other assets. Without a contract on your beloved, you are not seen as family when it comes time to make medical decisions or even keep children.

Well, with that rant aside, if you want to marry someone, you are going to have to ask him/her. Typically, the men do the asking but it is more common for both members of the relationship to agree on a marriage and the "popping of the question" is more of a formality.

But, hold on there - before you get swept up, you need to do an audit on your relationship to make sure now is the right time or if you need to do a little work here and there.

Your Love Has Grown
It is easy to fall in love and be respectfully obsessed with someone. Things are roses and happiness and you know you have found the one.

The tree of love-life

However, when you are in love and your love grows it reaches out to your social circles and creates a life outside just you and your mate. Don't be fooled by thinking one person is all you need - you need other people, other support structures and other views to make a relationship work. Maybe you don't need 100 friends, but, you and your mate should be able to function in both of your social circles.

Having the approval of your closest friends and family is the mark of a good relationship. If you find there is a lot of friction between those you brought into the relationship or the circles your mate travels in, you might find there is no future.

You Want Each Other
Not everyone is ready for monogamy. Monogamy means being loyal and sticking with one person. In the case of open relationships, there is still a sense of monogamy to the primary mate.

I got this itch for you

To be monogamous, it means protecting the unit that is you and your mate from anything and anyone who might destroy it. This might be a toxic friend, an ex-lover or even a toxic family relationship. The choice needs to be made that the relationship is more important than other things.

It is important to also know when a relationship requires too much sacrifice. Saying that you will no longer talk to ex-lovers or go on other dates is one thing, having to block out your entire family and all your friends is too much of a sacrifice. Choose wisely.

You Work Together for the Better
Handing in total independence for a team player attitude is a must in a marriage. If you cannot work with someone, like your mate, marriage might not be good. The relationship might not be good.

Achieving more

To have a successfully engagement and marriage, you both should bring out the best in each other, cheer each other on and want to support and help your mate as much as s/he wants to support and help you. Not every endeavor you and your mate take will be successful. If you can argue, fail and fight and always return to a loving balance, you are in the best position.

The Person Over the Party
The wedding industry can ruin people and relationships by telling you want you want and how you should want it and when.

Doesn't matter, got married

If you look at your mate and want a long forever with him/her without the need for cakes, parties, dresses, flowers, tuxes, food and venues, it's a good sign. Weddings can be fun but it is one day in your life, at the end of that day, all you will be left with is your mate.

A good rule of thumb is if you want to elope, run to the courthouse and just get married in your jeans, you are on the right track.

Of course, keep in mind, while eloping is great, there are probably people in your life who would love to share your vows and wedding day with you and proudly stand by other friends and family and beam about the success of the relationship. Don't discount this!

You Know About Divorce
Couples who accept and understand that there is always a chance a relationship can breakdown and a marriage can end in divorce or cheating are in better shape than those who believe it will never happen to them. While people say 50% of marriages end in divorce, this is a stilted statistic. It's not that bad, but, a little prep, consideration and planning to avoid such a bitter end is always good. (Read my post on the Power of Doubt to learn a little more).

Could happen. . .

If you can talk openly to your mate about what would happen if you got divorced or if one of you cheated, you will be better prepared and protected than if you cannot mention the possibly for fear of being not committed.

Thoughts
Remember, being engaged is the final step toward marriage. During your engagement period, you will learn more about your friends and family and your mate's friends and family. You will learn more about yourself and might even find yourself under new stresses that can strengthen or destroy your relationship.

This is good! An engagement can be broken off before it is too late, or become a happy period before the marriage is sealed.

Image Credits
Growing love from irispolaris.deviantart.com.
Monogram from designeranimals2011.wikispaces.com.
Working together from 123rf.com.
Eloping from mywedding.com.
Divorce from nomoreprisons.org.

Misconceptions of (Modern) Sexy

2012-02-06T00:00:00.000-05:00

When you are on a date, you always want to be yourself, be real, put your best food forward and not completely repulse your date. After some research and chats, I found that women have some misconceptions about these concepts when they go on a date - and it costs them a second date.

Here are a couple things to think about when you go on dates.

Baby Talk
I admit I baby-talk with my cats all the time. Why? Because they are cats. I know girls who use baby talk on dates. Trust me, nothing is more annoying than having someone baby talk to you. It's not cute or funny.

Uhh. . .waaa?

Admittedly, if it is part of a joke or already established connection between two people, it's not as annoying.

Hair Extensions
I am aware how long it takes to grow hair - I actually donate my hair and I need to grow out at least 12 inches to donate. It seems like a fast and easy way to long, luscious hair is to get hair extensions.

Can't wait to get caught in this!

Oddly enough, a lot of guys are not into them. Sure, they can look great and natural. However, once your date tried to run his/her fingers through your hair and gets caught in the glue and binding, it's not going to be a sexy moment.

Stick to being real and avoid the extensions.

Spray Tans
I know with the popularity of Jersey Shore, tans are in. Orange, I believe, is in.

Hot?

But, no, actually, not really. No one is orange in color, it is hardly natural. Maybe spending some time out in the sun on your own or visiting a tanning salon where you can get a professional type job done would be a better route. Or just embarrassing your skin color and tone from porcelain to olive to black.

Overly Made-Up
Makeup should be natural or, if you are going for a little wow, only wow one area of your face. Pick a feature - don't enhance everything. A nice red lip can be very sexy as long as it isn't completing with super-dark eye lids and overly rosey blush.

Didn't notice your face over your personality

If you have a facial piercing, make sure you use it to enhance your face, not add a massive distraction. This goes for earrings as well as nose rings or eyebrow piercings. Keep this jewelry tasteful and low-key for a bit so the real you shines through.

Showing Everything
There are different views on sexy and what is too sexy to not sexy enough. However, a good rule of thumb is to never show all the goods. This can go for boys and girls - mind you.

Stop staring at my personality

Make sure you dress nicely but without clothes that are too tight, too low-cut or have sexual things written on them.

Thoughts
It is important to be yourself. Yourself is the reason someone wants to sit down and have a date with you. You might have an amazingly quirky, wild side - which is great - but you want to make sure you have a good foundation with your date before you go all out. If all someone sees of you is a wild, sexy, party girl (or guy) s/he might not be interested in having you around for anything else beside that.

Besides, when you convince someone you are a good, smart person with excellent quality first - your wild side might become even more of a turn on.

Image Credits
Baby talk from blogs.babble.com.
Hair extensions from prohairdesigner.com.
Makeup image from heartofpole.net.
Spay tan image from spray-tan-byron-bay.com.
Man from hystericalmarissa.blogspot.com.

Perspectives: Text Flow Chart

2012-02-03T00:00:00.000-05:00

Do you want to text?

Image Credit
Flow chart located at visual.ly.

Great Advice #43: Improbable

2012-02-02T00:00:00.000-05:00

Did I mention how I just discovered and fell in love with Sherlock? And I am a die-hard Jeremy Brett fan. But, I must say, Benedict Cumberbatch is totally on par. Not that my heart isn't shattered that I just discovered it and I don't think they will be making any more. With that said, here is a quote.

How often have I said to you that when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth?

Context
This quotes must be credited to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle who thought up and wrote the whole Sherlock Holmes series. This quotes is uttered by Holmes in the story, "The Sign of Four."

I write things

Application
This quote actually sounds a lot like common sense, so, it can be applied anywhere.

In a relationship, good or bad, there comes a time you need to look at what the history is, what has happened and what you want and what you can give. When these things are all in front of you, and you remove all the rest, the decision is made - even if your heart (or brain) says you should go for some other choice.

Maybe it seems impossible that someone you care about cares about you just as deeply - but if the facts are there, it can be the truth.

When you are faced with a relationship choice, remove the things that are impossible, remove everything that is noise in your life and focus on what is important. Then go with that.

Like My Advice?
To catch up on past posts, you can visit my Great Advice Series page which contains a complete list of links to all my Thursday posts.

As always, if you think you have some good advice for me to report on, leave me a comment on this post or email me at DatingManda@gmail.com.

Image Credit
Doyle from moreintelligentlife.com.

Match.com: Trial Follow-Up

2012-02-01T00:00:00.000-05:00

Hi. Remember when I was doing that Match.com trial at the begining-ish of the month and things were looking sort of good for me booking a date with an available guy?

I had two prospective dates that I was excited over and a couple fillers.

The Engineer: I talked to a couple times on the phone and we were set to set something in stone last week. Yeah. That never happened. I was going to maybe text or call or something, but, then again, I don't want to pursue a guy who said he would call and doesn't.
Mr. Mystery: This guy had come out of nowhere but was quite funny and charming and I was really hoping we could meet up. We were emailing and he just stopped emailing me back. I thought about possibly following-up with another email of some sort asking him how he was or what happened - then I decided if he really was interested in me, he would have emailed me or would email me again if life got a little out of hand. I occasionally follow that one-for-one communication rule, mostly when trying to establish a relationship.

What is a reasonably attractive, somewhat adorably quirky girl to do?

Can't give it away. . .

That's right - get some cats. Cats. Two.

My socks are sexy, thanks

I went to pick up Charlie's brother from the rescue and came back with two cats - Henry (Charlie's brother) and Lucy.

In no way am I a crazy cat lady. You need three cats to be crazy. Two cats is just fine because the two cats keep each other company.

Lucy loves to ignore Henry. Henry will not be ignored

Am I becoming a crazy cat lady? Naaa. Check out this informational video made by a real-life engineer.

Reading Body Language

2012-01-31T00:00:00.000-05:00

Reading body language isn't an exact science - however, knowing a couple major signs most people give out can make the difference in figuring out if your date likes you or not.

Keep in mind, everyone is different. If you want to show interest in someone, you can easily preform these behaviors. Likewise, someone might be in the habit of always doing one or two of these actions whether s/he likes you or not. Nothing is set in stone, so apply your brain to every situation.

Eyes
Windows to to soul, right? This isn't a lie - you can tell a lot from someone's eyes. Minus the romantic, "falling into your eyes" situation, eye contact is the biggest indication of interest.

I'm a top row fan. . .

The caveat to that is shyness. If you have been following my blog for sometime, you might remember when I was on a second date with Mr. DE Lawyer, I actually had a hard time looking at him. You can read the details in Date Night: DE Lawyer (2nd Date). It wasn't due to lack of interest, mind you, my brain just kept shutting off. Much later he did admit he thought I wasn't interested and I came clean with the situation.

Eyebrows
A very human trait is to raise your eyebrows when you are interested in something. In fact, if you think about all the positions you can move your eyebrows into, you can get a good feeling of what it means.

Emote!

Eyebrows are tricky to track - it can only take a second for someone to raise and drop his/her eyebrows. Be aware of motionless eyebrows - this is a sign that there isn't a lot of interest. Or there has been a lot of botox.

Smiles
The biggest advice I tend to give when people go on dates is to smile. A real smile, not a grimace or polite-neutral-lip-lift or even (as my Dad calls it) the "sour-puss smile" where you smile with one side of your mouth.

White. Wow.

A genuine smile which shows some teeth shows interest. When not grinning, a soft smile while someone is talking, matched with eye-contact is a sure sign of interest. Someone who never smiles can be seen as off-putting or not interested.

I have heard people say, "I don't like my smile" or "I have bad teeth." Trust me, that doesn't matter when it comes to a smile. It's like when you see an ugly baby and the baby is laughing and laughing, suddenly, it's not so ugly. Also, I happen to have crooked teeth but I still smile when I am happy and interested.

Leaning
The lean is a pretty slick move that a lot of people use but also shows interest. If you are out to dinner with your date and notice s/he is leaning in, this is a good sign. You should do it as well if you are interested. Leaning back or trying put physical space or items between you and your date is a sign that you are threatened and, of course, not interested.

Pisa is interested in the Church of Pisa

If you are standing somewhere and lean in, and your date moves away to maintain the same distance, it's normally a sign that s/he doesn't trust you or isn't interested or you smell.

Touching
One of the rules of dating women are often told is to casually touch a guy's arm during a conversation when there is agreement on a subject. "I love surfing, too!" [Touch].

So close. . .

During a date, be aware if your date is trying to casually touch you. Perhaps a guy will open the door and touch your back/elbow as if you might fall as an excuse to touch. If you are standing next to each other, your date might touch shoulders or find some reason to whisper to cuddle up closer.

Keep in mind, some people on a first date (like me) tend to be shy and keep more of a distance. Some casually touching is fine, but, that first date is more for getting to know the person on an intellectual level than a physical one.

However, grabbing butts or anything forceful is not a sign of affection and should be treated as more of a dating crime.

Mirroring
Mirroring is something I learned about a couple years ago and found myself doing it even when I wasn't paying attention. It truly translates to every conversation I have.

Another date? Agreed!

Mirroring is when one person does something - say, crosses his/her arms on his/her chest - and you find yourself doing the same thing. Maybe your date puts her hands on the table and folds them and you do the same. Mirror is a very good thing because it is a way of creating common ground that must be locked deep in our brains somewhere.

Because it is so hard-wired, it is a good way to show if someone is interested.

The next time you are in a meeting or talking to someone, see if you end up mimicking someone else's movements you are trying to connect/communicate with.

Image Credit
Eyes from discovermagazine.com.
Eyebrows from ultimatedesignertoolkit.com.
Smiles from bestdentistnews.com.
Pisa image from famouswonders.com.
Touch from asianefficiency.com.
Mirroring image from parexcellencemagazine.com.

Directing Your Relationship

2012-01-30T00:00:00.000-05:00

You're in a relationship - maybe the beginning, maybe a more matured relationship - and you want to keep it going. Why wouldn't you? People in relationships tend to live longer and tend to be happier. Building a relationship is an ongoing process which can be difficult at times or far to easy, for those of you who are suspicious of your own good fortune.

Relationships are a "learn as you go" thing and this often can lead to a lot of misunderstands and ill-advised moves. Here are some lessons that involve understanding that the things you should be doing sometimes seem like the most "dangerous." At least, emotionally.

Understanding Emotions
Everyone has feelings and emotions. I know a lot of people who act solely on them. This isn't the best way to run your relationship because emotions and feelings can change quickly during the course of a relationship. This isn't a good or bad thing, this is just how we are as humans.

Ah!

When you are in a relationship, you need to remind yourself not to act on a bad day or even a mistake your mate made. Equally, you cannot base your life on one good day or one good action of your mate. Whether the sun and the rain.

Understanding Intimacy
Intimacy is not just sex. Intimacy is connecting with someone emotionally and allowing yourself to be vulnerable and supporting someone else when s/he needs it. If you or your mate don't view the other as a "safe place" when it comes to emotion, it's never going to work.

Aw!

Additionally, there needs to be an element of sexual intimacy and the ability of both parties to accept the other's wants, needs and desires sexually.

Understanding Responsibility
When you are in a relationship, you need to take care of yourself. This means your health, your diet, your finances and whatever other responsibilities you have.

It's an awareness

You cannot hand them over to someone else's care - and by taking care of all of your own things, you will have improved the relationship and shown to your mate that you know you are valued and you will not screw yourself up.

Understanding Communication
Everyone throws around this word. Communication isn't about just talking and talking and sharing and talking. It's not even about emails and texts. All of these things generated by you only makes up a small amount of what communication is.

Hello?

A lot of it is about listening and keeping your word and being there. If all you do is talk in a relationship, there is little communication.

Understanding Movement
Relationships can turn into co-existing situations or friendships without the two people really noticing. They can also turn into traps for one person involved. This is because relationships need both people to move it to the next level and only one person to halt it.

Takes two wings to fly

Movement in a relationship into something more serious like marriage or to a break-up doesn't just happen. If you want a relationship to move and change, you need to set the path and make sure your mate is up for the journey

Understanding Yourself
It is very important before you seek answers from someone else or look to something else to help you become a better person or a more "complete" person that you understand yourself and why you need this person or this thing.

Understand this

Understanding yourself, your thoughts, your pet peeves, your strengths and your weaknesses will only make you a better person. Knowing yourself will give you the confidence and compass you need throughout all of your relationships. It will also guide you to the places you need to be.

Image Credit
Masks from healthmatters2day.blogspot.com.
Hands from holistichealthandme.com.
Bracelet from instituteofselfesteemdailymeditation.blogspot.com.
Communication from elizabethkuhnke.wordpress.com.
Heart from veryicon.com.
I from beyondlean.wordpress.com.

One Year

2012-01-27T00:00:00.001-05:00

I'm one year old! Well, this blog is. A year ago today, I wrote my first post and began this adventure into blogging world.

Happy Blog-Day To Me!

Thanks for the support of my readers! I have been having a lot of fun coming up with articles and also fielding questions and research issues and advice surrounding dating.

I hope each of you continue to ~~visit my blog~~ take care of each other and the relationships in your life, platonic or not. Relationships are important and define us more than most other things in our lives. We aren't defined by how many friends we have, rather, we are defined by how well we take care of those around us. Make sure you stop and appreciate those around you.

I hope to continue for may more years.

Image Credit
Cupcake from ourfantasyworld.blog.com.

Great Advice #42: Just Knew

2012-01-26T00:00:00.000-05:00

Enough of these short-shorts, time for a good block of advice!

You think fairy tales are only for girls? Here’s a hint - ask yourself who wrote them. I assure you, it wasn’t just the women. It’s the great male fantasy - all it takes is one dance to know that she’s the one. All it takes is the sound of her song from the tower, or a look at her sleeping face. And right away you know - this is the girl in your head, sleeping or dancing or singing in front of you. Yes, girls want their princes, but boys want their princesses just as much. And they don’t want a very long courtship. They want to know immediately.

Context
I found this quote on the Internet and it is attributed to David Levithan and Rachel Cohn. This combo is probably best known for the movie Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. He wasn't an actor, he was the guy who wrote the novel that the movie was based.

Application
Even I get wrapped up in gender role and debunking the fairy tale. One of the greats arguments in literature is how, in these tales, men just show up and that's about it. They are rich and "save" the woman who has been in a bad situation.

This quote shows the often unseen other side - that men are just as romantic as these stories make women out to be.

Don't forget, your potential mate is just as complex as you. Don't discount the fairy tale because of what it seems like at face value - often times, the most simple statement becomes the most profound. Prince Charming kissed Sleeping Beauty because, in the fairy tale, he knew. And when Sleeping Beauty woke up, she just knew from that kiss, this was the man of her dreams.

Sometimes it's as simple as that.

Like My Advice?
To catch up on past posts, you can visit my Great Advice Series page which contains a complete list of links to all my Thursday posts.

As always, if you think you have some good advice for me to report on, leave me a comment on this post or email me at DatingManda@gmail.com.

Don't Be Neurotic

2012-01-25T00:00:00.000-05:00

There are several variations of this type of "joke" online - one is when there is a date and the guy is driving thinking about an oil change while the woman is going crazy wondering why he won't talk to her and thinking it is her.

Blah

The Danger

It is a stereotype that women are more neurotic than men, but, I think we can all agree this is not true. Over analyzing someone's behavior is more of a human thing

The problem with this thinking is that it is a selfish position when you are in a relationship which is made up of two people. Trying to control another person or assuming your mate's entire day and life revolves around you will only lead to destruction.

The Reason

If you find yourself over analyzing a situation or your partner's behavior, you need to first understand what you are doing it and stop. It is a sign of low self-confidence when you believe you are solely in control of someone's mood and then link your own mood to that. For the case of the "joke" above, the woman was having a good day and then went crazy and ended up having a horrible outlook on life because of over-analyzing.

The Solution

You can always ask if something is bothering your mate, and if s/he says, "nothing" then you need to understand it has nothing to do with you. You have to let the situation go knowing that if something is wrong, your mate will come to you when s/he is good and ready.

You need to make sure you always foster an open communication type format and understand that sometimes this means there will be no communication for a little bit. You need to make sure both sides are ready to talk - you cannot make someone talk.

If you find yourself really struggling, use some "I" statements, such as:

I feel like I am over analyzing this, but, I worry that I might have done something that has made you upset.
I noticed you seem down, do you want to [insert favorite activity].
I know I am over analyzing and I'm not sure why.

Thoughts

Relationships can be emotional roller-coasters of our own making. Sometimes there will be periods of self-doubt and insecurity; however, you should work not to feed these negative situations and focus on the good part. Address your fears and frustrations and have faith that the person you have chosen to be with is a good person who will tell you when something is wrong.

Image Credit

I stumbled this image from d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net

When Do I Say "Love?"

2012-01-24T00:00:00.000-05:00

I think everyone in any relationship asks at some point, "When should I say I love you?"

Obviously, when you are in love.

Simplest post ever!

What Is Love?
Love is a personal thing. Some people say, "Don't confuse butterflies for love!" but maybe butterflies to you is love. You shouldn't hide it, excuse it or run away from it.

Yep, love

There are many types of love - you can check out my Love Styles post for a scientific view.

Being Careful
You should be careful that you aren't ready to burst into the love situation when you hardly know the person you are "in love" with or when you aren't getting signals that the object of your affection is ready to hear, accept and respond maturely to your confessions of love.

I have, twice, felt like I was in love with a guy who I did not say it to. I knew the first guy was not really ready to hear it - he would take it as some type of trap rather than as something really positive. The other one, I was pretty sure he wasn't in love with me. Just strong like.

Remember, while love is a great thing, you must move at the rate of the relationship not at the rate of your own heart. Love can be intense and you need to ensure that the intensity is received positively and doesn't feel overwhelming or sudden to your partner.

Giving Love
If we never had to deal with rejection or being made to look a fool, saying "I love you!" would be easier. When you are ready to confess your love, you need to be in a spot where you are truly giving love and expecting nothing in return. That sometimes is the hardest thing to be ready for - saying "I love you" and not getting an immediate, "I love you, too" back.

Him: I love you.
Me: Look over there! A winged sparrow.

Anti-Fix Love
Never say love in the hopes of fixing something. Love doesn't "fix" anything, it exists on it's own free from other emotions or human needs. As they read at every wedding, "Love is kind, love is patient. . ." yeah, but, humans are not always kind and not always patient.

Me: I love you.
Him: I think we should break up.

Accepting Love
It is important, also, to remember that the object of your affection might not be someone who likes the "love" word and shows his/her love in other ways. Perhaps a kiss on the head, preparing a meal or fixing your coffee table is how your mate shows that s/he loves you rather than saying the word itself.

Love is a good thing, really. You should never be afraid to tell someone you love them. More importantly, you should show the people you love that you love them.

Image Credits
Butterflies in the tummy from chzdatingfails.files.wordpress.com.

Why We Dig Geeks

2012-01-23T00:00:00.000-05:00

There is always talk about how the "bad guy" gets the girl, or that girls are attracted to jerks over geek. This is largely untrue - at least, it is as true as all guys only want big breasted blonds between the ages of 21-24. Sure, there is a time and place for all types - however, a geek might just fit the bill more than you realize.

Seems logical

The Disclaimer
There is a difference between someone who is actually socially inept and a geek/nerd/dork. Someone who has poor personal hygiene, cannot relate to others or who doesn't care to have a romantic relationship is not the definition of a geek.

Benefits of Geeks
Here are the top reasons you are going to want to add geek (or two) to your dating pool.

Sensitivity: A muscle-bound guy spending 30 hours a week at the gym, riding a motorcycle and partying hard can be an attractive and fun guy. A geek, however, tends to be more invested in a relationship. Sure, no one is perfect, but a geek is more likely to think through issues and problems and refrain from responding as if he is high on testosterone.
Intelligence: When it comes to intelligence, curiosity and problem solving, those geeks cannot be matched. this goes beyond some free computer help, by the way. If you want to learn about different worlds and expand your horizons, a geek probably can do it.
Lovin': IT geeks tend to rate highly as lovers since they normally are more interested in the satisfaction of their partner. They tend to be more adventurous and even into gadgets. Those ripped fitness buffs tend to rate very low as lovers, by the way.

Drawbacks of Geeks
There are a couple issues with geeks, let's be honest.

Confidence: A geek might need a little more ego boosting - after all, they were told "nice guys/girls finish last" and don't want to be hurt. It can be difficult for them to completely open up without some support.
Freedom: A geek can have some pretty strange hobbies and interests. If you are not "geeky" you might not have a place in these activities. It means a geek needs a certain amount of freedom from criticism and your reality.
Balance: A geek might need help adjusting to the right balance of brain and heart. Certain geeks might try to flow-chart or logically solve matters of the heart. This can result in some hurt feelings.

My Geeky Footnote
I would like to first remind everyone about the orignal definitions of geek, nerd and dork:

Geek: A carnival performer who performs sensationally morbid or disgusting acts.
Nerd: Invented by Dr. Seuss to define something you put in a zoo.
Dork: A penis.

However, today these terms are used almost interchangeable.

Image Credit
Flowchart from pixelbits.wordpress.com

Perspectives: True To Yourself

2012-01-20T00:00:00.000-05:00

I found this article as I was stumbling around the Internet and thought it was worth posting as a Friday treat. I'm not sure much about this article's origins or who wrote it - you can do you own discovery by going to the original post on Science Codex

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For Better Romantic Relationships, Be True to Yourself
March 15, 2010 - 4:50pm

COLUMBUS, Ohio – Be true to yourself, and better romantic relationships will follow, research suggests.

A new study examined how dating relationships were affected by the ability of people to see themselves clearly and objectively, act in ways consistent with their beliefs, and interact honestly and truthfully with others.

In other words, the ability to follow the words of William Shakespeare: "to thine own self be true," said Amy Brunell, lead author of the study and assistant professor of psychology at Ohio State University's Newark campus.

Findings showed that college students who reported being more true to themselves also reported more positive dating relationships.

"If you're true to yourself, it is easier to act in ways that build intimacy in relationships, and that's going to make your relationship more fulfilling," Brunell said.

The study appears online in the journal Personality and Individual Differences and will be published in an upcoming print edition.

Participating in the study were 62 heterosexual couples, all of whom were college students. The participants completed a long list of questionnaires in three separate sessions that took place about two weeks apart.

The first set of questionnaires probed how true participants were to themselves, a characteristic that psychologists call "dispositional authenticity." This was measured through the answers to questions like "For better or for worse, I am aware of who I truly am."

In the second phase, participants answered questions examining various aspects of their relationship functioning, including their willingness to discuss their emotions with their partner, and whether they kept secrets.

The third phase involved measures of relationship satisfaction and personal well-being.

Overall, the study found that both men and women who reported being more true to themselves also behaved in more intimate and less destructive ways with their partner, and that led to them feeling their relationship was more positive. In addition, they also reported greater personal well-being.

But the study revealed an interesting gender difference in how authenticity in men and women affected their partners, Brunell said.

Men who were more true to themselves had partners who showed more healthy relationship behaviors. However, there was no significant relationship between women being true to themselves and men's relationship behaviors.

That finding may be the result of relationship gender roles in our society, she said.

"Typically in dating and marital relationships, the women tend to be 'in charge' of intimacy in the relationship," Brunell explained. "So when men have this dispositional authenticity, and want to have an open, honest relationship, it makes women's job easier – they can more easily regulate intimacy," she said.

But since men have less of a role in developing relationship intimacy, they were not affected as much by whether their partners were true to themselves or not.

The study also confirmed findings from other studies that show that when men or women act in constructive, healthy ways in a relationship, it increases their partners' satisfaction with the relationship.

Brunell said being true to yourself doesn't mean that you should accept all of your flaws and not try to make positive changes in your life. But you should be aware of both your limitations and areas where you can improve. One payoff could be better romantic relationships.

"It shouldn't be a surprise, but being true to yourself is linked to having healthier and happier relationships for both men and women," she said.

Source: Ohio State University

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Do You Have A Perspective?
I'm always looking for people to guest post! Send me your thoughts at DatingManda@gmail.com.

Great Advice #41: Rejection

2012-01-19T00:00:00.000-05:00

Thursday might become my favorite day - what with Big Bang Theory and all coming on.

Rejection is God's protection

Context
You knew it was going to happen - this is from Dr. Phil. It was uttered by Siggy Flicker.

Her

Quite honestly, I don't know much abut her. I know she is a matchmaker type person but not as famous as Patti Stanger. I watched her show a couple times and it seemed, well, geared toward reality with polarized people casted into role of love-seeking.

Application
It is easy to look at a rejection as completely negative. A lot of times, we quickly throw out the whole, "I'm better than him/her" or "I deserve better" as form of protection. It is rare that we look at rejection as a total protection of our lives and hearts.

It might be the same as someone grabbing your arm, throwing you backwards onto your bum causing you to drop everything in your hands. You can sit there and whine about it or take the chance to look around and see that that painful yank prevented you from walking out in front of a speeding bus.

Like My Advice?
To catch up on past posts, you can visit my Great Advice Series page which contains a complete list of links to all my Thursday posts.

As always, if you think you have some good advice for me to report on, leave me a comment on this post or email me at DatingManda@gmail.com.

Image Credits
Headshot from myworkbutterfly.com.

Match.com Round 3: End Game

2012-01-18T00:00:00.000-05:00

I was on Match.com for seven days as part of the free trial. I am not sure when the trial resets, I think you have to be off for a certain amount of time before you can get the free trial. I normally keep track of my statistic, but, I didn't on this little round - mostly because I didn't reset them from Round 2.

You can catch up on most of my Match.com adventures on my Match.com Recap.

Just looking for mine. . .

My Stance

As I suspected, since it was no longer summer, it is easier to find a good group of people. In Round 2 I explained that in my area, everyone goes to the beach in the summer. It is harder to find someone who is going to stick around on Match.com or for dates on the weekend. They tend to work all week and then hit the shore for a good time. The concept of a relationship doesn't tend to be on too many minds.

Also, it's January - I wonder how many guys made a resolution to find love or a girlfriend.

My Board

Not a bad little trial. Here is my updated Board. You might remember the original list:

Mr. Smiles: He wrote me books and books through emails about his filmmaking or writing or thoughts. I like a long email, but, it was just too much to reply to. We were going to have a date last Wednesday but when I explained I was still unsure of my work schedule (and my cat was at the vet ER), he was quick to back out of anything. I think, sadly, the kicker was the fact that he asked me to work with him on a screenplay and I said no. That seemed to end any interest he had. Just as well, I am pretty sure the conversation would have be all about him and disjointed - like his emails.
The Lawyer: He never asked me out or anything, and I am fine with that. I think he was a little to old for me, plus, he comes with twins. I am not into raising kids with a guy 10 years older than me. And I wasn't really "inspired" by his emails.
The Engineer: We did talk on the phone. He sounds like a Philly Italian (no judgement!) but we are both sort of busy so we didn't set a time to meet. Maybe we won't. We talked about 30 minutes and he seemed cool and casual. Even his "rejection" would probably be cool and casual.
The Carpenter: He never got back to me. Pity.

And, then I got some messages from another guy who I am hoping to get a date with. He seems delightful on emails, cute in his pictures and we seem to be on the same page. Actually, I think he probably is a little out of my league, but, we'll see. I think what caught me orignally was he only wrote in his profile he wants to be with a girl who introduces him to her friends saying, "It's ok, he's one of us."

I thought that was very telling.

He seems to be interested in me and willing to come out to meet me. I would be excited to see if maybe we hit it off.

Of course, I'd like to point out at this point, I have booked zero (0) dates.

Go me.

Image Credit

This funny image from ratamatata.com.

Goodbye Charlie

2012-01-17T00:00:00.000-05:00

It's been a rough couple days watching my little guy struggling more and more. He had his good moments and I tried to make him purr as much as possible. On Sunday, I raised the alarm to everyone that I needed to take Charlie to the vet. He had no energy, only nibbling at food and had lost his sparkle.

Charlie + Sparkle

I was told to drop him off at the vet at 7am, then the vet could check him out while I was at work. I called around noon, and they hadn't looked at him. Then the vet called with the news I didn't want to hear. There was really nothing they could do but keep him warm and comfortable. He was severally anemic and. . .I could come pick him up and keep him warm and comfortable at my place - our home.

I was sitting in the vet's office waiting to get a call back from my "den mother" who was just getting off a flight from France. Charlie was in his carrier, all the way in the back with his back to the door. When he heard my voice and felt my pets, he turned around and crept up closer.

Having suffered anemia myself, my heart broke. It gets hard to breathe. It gets hard to move. You become apathetic. I kept wondering how I was going to get him home without stress. Every stress, every joy, every heartbeat drains you.

Then he sort of collapsed in the carrier. I made sure his nose wasn't smooshed into the corner of the carrier and petted him and told him I loved him.

He meowed at me a couple times and I gave him more rubs. And then he wasn't breathing.

The vet quickly brought him into the exam room and checked his heart and vitals. He had died. Poor little guy. I'm glad he went quickly. I'm glad he only spent a couple hours away from home. I'm glad I was there because I was panicked with him dying alone while I was at work without someone there to give him rubs.

I had Charlie for 2 months and 2 days. My place feels empty without him.

Final cuddles with Charlie

This morning, before we left for the vet, he crawled up to me in bed and gave me two headbonks then curled up on my chest in that perfect place where I could pet him in all the right spots. Then he purred. In 2 months and 2 days this little guy never stopped stealing my heart.

I knew what I was getting into adopting a cat with FeLuk. I do wonder if I could have done something more. If I should have taken him to the vet sooner for the tests so maybe he could have been better supported.

Rest in love and snuggle little Charlie

I think I'll know better for the next one.

The Frustrated Guy

2012-01-16T00:00:00.000-05:00

I have stated it before - guys have it tough in the dating market. They are often viewed as egotistical, superficial and wanting only sex. In fact, the reason they ever do anything nice is just to get sex.

However, this is about as much of a case for men as it is for women who want a hot underwear model. Sure, it's fun, but, maybe not the total package when it comes to serious things.

This article, if you can't tell, focuses more on those looking for a serious relationship - something deeper than just a hook-up or short-term fling.

A Skewed Presepective
A common perspective women have when leaping into the dating world is that there is type of perfection they need to achieve in order to get a guy to notice them - much less fall in love with them. In fact, they focus so much on their outers they come up lacking on the inners.

Let's face it ladies, the world is packed with women who we can say are prettier, thinner, smarter and richer. But! (and as you know, the word "but" negates everything before it) when you are on a date with a guy, it is you an him - not you and some Hollywood star or magazine queen.

What Frustrates Guys
A lot of women I know are so consumed with their own dating perspectives, they fail to think about the frustration of the guys they meet and book dates with. Most guys I know cannot spot the massive flaws women seek to cover up. They don't, actually, prefer a particular hair color when the lady the hair is attached to is funny, honest and makes him feel comfortable and appreciated.

Complaints from my collection of dateble guy friends, their complains include:

Why do girls just date me to get back at their exs?
Why do girls were so much make-up?
Why do girls fake liking sports when they don't?
Why do girls dress like prostitutes for a casual date?
Why do girls tan so much? It's unnatural.
Why do girls act dumb?
Why do girls think I care about what brand of clothes they were?
Why can't a girl act like a girl and not a guy?

Which do you know?

Why are guys frustrated? Because women, in general, go out dating without making peace with our past relationships. We go out feeling insecure about who we are so we pile on makeup and overly sexy clothes and avoid any conflict by never talking with pride about issues important to us. We either treat guys as if they should be one of our girlfriend or try to act like one of his bros.

Being Real
I have written many times in this blog the importance of being honest with yourself, healed of your past injuries, secure in your life and open to being vulnerable. This goes for both men and women.

The dating game is not always easy or perfect. It will never lead anywhere if you don't take the time to connect to who you are, what you want and how to communicate that exact thing to your date. Don't be confused, be yourself. It won't always land you a marriage or long-term relationship right away, but it will ensure when you do find someone, it is because you two honestly click.

Image Credit
Girls from chzdatingfails.files.wordpress.com.

Perspectives: Disney Princesses

2012-01-13T00:00:00.000-05:00

Even I rip on Disney and the portrayal not only of women, but of life. However, I do admit, when it comes to the "hero" story, the main character (male or female) becomes more interesting when s/he has flaws and has some issues to combat. For example, most characters are either orphans or from one parent homes. Most have a lot of cards stacked against them

Here is an article I found that gives a little bit of harsh with mellow when it comes to Disney leading ladies. After all, would their stories be that interesting if they were completely independent, flawless, ugly and not without a hint of magic?

I have posted the full A Disney Princess Guide to Your Not So Happily Ever After but you can click the title there to see the original post.

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A Disney Princess Guide to Your Not So Happily Ever After
Published: November 4, 2011
By Alexandra Churchill

Remember way back in the ‘90s when you wanted to grow up to be a Disney Princess? Maybe you dressed up as Cinderella for Halloween or never went anywhere without your trusty royal tiara or sparkly heels. Or maybe, like me, you dressed up the family dog as the Little Mermaid just for laughs. As collegiettes™, we were raised on Disney movies from Snow White to Cinderella, from Sleeping Beauty to Beauty and the Beast,and we learned more than a few simple lessons in love. We were taught to believe that every girl is a princess and deserves a prince, as well as her own happily ever after ending.

But now, after frat boys and weekend hookups, awkward drunk texting mishaps and secretly pining for that cute guy who sits next to you in English class, a happily ever after seems pretty hard to come by on campus… but that’s what we’re supposed to believe, right? If there’s one thing Disney has drilled into us, it’s that dreams really do come true.

But if you pop in one of these classic VHS tape fairy tales and read beyond the basic princess-meets-prince storyline, you’ll come to realize that real life lessons can be learned from our favorite princesses. Here’s a comprehensive guide to finding your own happily ever after, brought to you by our favorite Disney fairytales and the princesses we idolized as little girls.

Snow White
As "the fairest in the land," Disney’s first princess, Snow White, is just like thatgirl at the kegger. You know the type – she loves attention from guys and she needs a group of them circled around her at all times. Co-ed living isn’t so out of the norm, but living with seven guys? That sounds like a frat house. Yuck. And although Snow White wasn’t hooking up with Sneezy, Dopey, and Grumpy, she’s definitely acting like their housewife. She caters to their every whim, cleans their house (with rabid cute and cuddly woodland animals), and cooks them hot meals, all the while waiting around for Prince Charming to ride in on his noble steed and sweep her off her feet. For lack of a better term, she’s a doormat for guys, not to mention a bit of a drama queen.

Princess Lesson #1 – Don’t be a Doormat for GuysWant to make a prince campus cutie fall head over heels in love with you? Hanging around a house full of guys probably isn’t the best bet. Playing the jealousy card can backfire in the worst way. Not to mention that letting guys walk all over you and acting like a servant does not create respect in a relationship, and no one wants someone they can’t respect.

Sleeping Beauty
Picture this – you fall into a magical, semi-conscious stupor only to be awakened by the kiss of a prince. This sounds a little all-too familiar doesn’t it, collegiettes™? It sounds to me like Princess Aurora aka “Sleeping Beauty” had one too many margaritas at the bar with her friends on Thirsty Thursday and woke up to a sloppy frat boy sucking her face.

Princess Lesson #2 – Avoid Drunk Hook-upsIf there’s one thing you can learn from Sleeping Beauty (and one too many vodka tonics), it’s this: drunken hookups are not sexy. Despite what happens in the movie, we know that not every guy who kisses you back to life or who you meet in the woods alone (creeper much?) is a prince. If you want to meet real guys and not just opportunists hanging by the bar, avoid Aurora’s scenario. And as for the “evil witch” who cast that spell? Well, we’ll just call her Smirnoff and leave it at that.

Jasmine
You just met the man of your Disney-inspired dreams. Sure, he’s a little shabby, but he’s adventurous and funny, he treats you right and his dorm has the best view of campus (not to mention he has a pretty rad carpet). You’re most likely not in an arranged political marriage like Jasmine, but you might be pressured to date other guys. Your friends and family don’t get “what you see in that guy” and you’re unfazed by that perfect guy from home who your mom is trying to hook you up with (“he’s pre-med, honey!”). Do what Jasmine did – follow your heart even if it means “climbing the palace walls,” so to speak.

Princess Lesson #3 – Look for the “Diamond in the Rough”I’m not saying that if you’re greeted by a man in shabby clothes covered in dirt you should allow him to lead you down dark alleys and abandoned buildings into his “home.” But take a word of advice from the Sultan’s daughter – sometimes overlooking the flashy princes and giving the grungier-looking guy in the corner a second glance isn’t always a bad idea. He might just be a “diamond in the rough.”

Also as a side note, it doesn’t hurt to have a pet to cuddle with when that “dream guy” doesn’t work out. Tiger cats (like Rajah) are awesome.

Belle
Seeing Belle and Beast, you might call their relationship borderline abusive (Beast has some serious anger management issues). Sure, he’s a little hairy and is severely lacking in table manners (he eats soup like a dog), but… he’s a guy, right? And what are guys if not hairy and messy? You can change him, right?

Princess Lesson #4 – You Can’t Change Him
Wrong! Don’t make Belle’s mistake and let your boyfriend become your project. Just because you might be able to teach him how to properly use silverware or ballroom dance doesn’t mean you can change a “beast” into a prince, no matter how much of a monster he was before you met him. Instead, try following some of Belle’s better examples of engaging in your boyfriend’s favorite hobbies – reading, playing in snowball fights, ballroom dancing, anything that you both can enjoy.

Ariel
Ok, so this fish-tailed princess doesn’t teach a lot of great lessons in love(drastically changing your body and ditching your friends and family for a guy doesn’t exactly promote a healthy message about body image and self-respect), but one thing we can take away from her fairytale story is how important communication and body language are to dating and someday meeting (and maybe even keeping) that special guy you’ve had your eye on.

Princess Lesson #5 – Body Language Speaks VolumesI know, I know - it’s been said a dozen times before, but it’s true. Eric can get to know and fall in love with Ariel even though she’s missing vocal chords (cue the singing seagulls, “kiss the girl, sha la la la la la…”) . Her fun-loving personality still shows through in her lovable quirks (although I wouldn’t suggest brushing your hair with a fork), her facial expressions, and her body language. Give it a try. You might end up feeling like a fish out of water, but even if you flop – maybe you trip or fall over (maybe your boat gets capsized like what happens to Ariel and Eric), you and your guy can always laugh it off. Guys will appreciate that you have a sense of humor and you’re not afraid to laugh at yourself.

Cinderella
I actually empathize a lot with Cinderella – squeezing my feet into those perfect must-have heels and running around campus with a million errands (it doesn’t involve evil demanding stepsisters, but you get my drift). Among other things (like knowing how to put in a hard day’s work and being kind even to those who treat you unkindly), Cinderella teaches us a very important lesson in love.

Princess Lesson #6 - Don’t Try to Be Someone You Aren’t
Between formals and parties, classes and walks around campus, it’s tempting to get dolled up for your guy every day, but don’t overdo it, especially if you start appearing to be someone you aren’t. If a guy is going out with you in the first place, caking on every kind of makeup you own and perfectly curling your hair on every date is only going to put pressure on you to maintain that image. Come that fateful day when you run into each other and you’re wearing your collegiate sweats with your hair tied up in a not-so perfect ponytail, he might not even recognize you right away.And as we learn in the end from Cinderella, the right guy will like you for who you are, not the shoes you’re wearing.

Pocahontas
Sometimes our happy endings don’t always work out. As hard as you might try at a relationship, there’s always that thing, big or small, that drives you apart. For Pocahontas and John Smith, there was a lot going against them from the start. Racially and culturally, they were worlds apart (not to mention the whole you’re-stealing-my-land thing). You might not be a chief’s daughter and he may not be a pioneering Englishman, but chances are you’ll find yourself in a relationship where for one reason or another, your individual lives conflict and you have no choice but to part ways. You might go to different schools or be in different class years. He might graduate early or you might decide to study abroad. Sometimes, you just have to accept the fact that you are from two different worlds that can’t possibly coincide and sadly, you need to split up.

Princess Lesson #7 – Sometimes a Break-up isthe Best Ending
Take a note from Pocahontas. If you end on amiable terms with your boyfriend, don’t let the break-up ruin the great memories you had with him. Remember that time you rolled around in the grass or went canoeing? Learn from the bad moments and treasure the good moments. Take the memories and move on. And if it doesn’t work out, you always have friends to fall back on… even if they areraccoons and willow trees.

With our girly notions of true love and happily ever afters, Prince Charmings and knights in shining armor, guys have a lot to live up to. I think one of the greatest lessons in love we can learn from Princess Aurora, Jasmine, Ariel and others, is that there really is no such thing as a happily ever after. You’ll always fight, you might even break up, and there will be time when you have to cut your guy some slack. All girls may be princesses, but remember: not all guys are Prince Charmings.

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Do You Have A Perspective?
I'm always looking for people to guest post! Send me your thoughts at DatingManda@gmail.com.

Great Advice #40: Treating the Waiter

2012-01-12T00:00:00.000-05:00

We're looking alive at 40!

Watch how s/he treats the waiter. . .

Context
My Dad said something like this when I was very little. We would sometimes talk about how to judge the character of someone from tiny details like shoelaces, socks and belt buckles. One thing he always told me (and that has been repeated by others) was how people treat those who serve them or who are in support roles is the most telling of someone's character.

Bacon?

It is important to treat the cleaning crew or taxi driver or waiter with the same respect you would treat a boss or associate.

Application
First, you should never bad-mouth or be nasty to a waiter in a restaurant when you are on a date. You can be the sweetest, most charming, good-looking person on the planet - but the second you start treating someone as if they are "under" you or not worthy of respect, it shows worse on you - even if you were accidentally wronged.

Always be the first to smile, the first to say thank you and the first to forgive those who are in a support/service role when you are on a date (or in a relationship). Not only will those people be more willing to help you, those around you will be more attracted to your positive/warm/respectful energy.

Likewise, if you are with someone who is charming and suddenly they go off on the waiter for not bringing a corrector order, take note! Keep in mind this is how your date will eventually treat you, it might not have happened yet, but, it will.

Like My Advice?
To catch up on past posts, you can visit my Great Advice Series page which contains a complete list of links to all my Thursday posts.

As always, if you think you have some good advice for me to report on, leave me a comment on this post or email me at DatingManda@gmail.com.

Image Credit
Image from blogginsandmessina.blogspot.com.

The Four Processes of a Relationship

2012-01-11T00:00:00.000-05:00

There are generally four processes a relationship can exist in and go through. It's not an exact upward or downward staircase rather reoccurring situations and chances that can stall, grow or break a relationship. These are not stages, as most people call them, but processes that do not exist linearly.

With all that said, here are your general four processes:

Enchantment.
Growth.
Choice.
Goal.

The Enchantment Process

Most of us know this stage very well - it is the lustful period when that special someone puts an extra bounce in your step and song in your heart. There is romance and happiness at the discovery of a new relationship or new person. Everything about the object of your affection is cute and engaging.

FOREVAH!

This stage is an importing bonding stage because while you are high on infatuation, you can learn and bond. There is a lot of focus on how great the two of you are together, how you are similar and how this stage will last forever.

It will not last forever - but there are relationships that can stay in this phase for months if not years. You can actually return to this stage again and again in the same relationship.

The Growth Process

This stage can be summed up as the first fight or the first let down in a new relationship. It happens whenever their is conflict. The Enchantment Stage can't last forever because people are dynamic and eventually there will be a fight or struggle or realization that the relationship is not perfect.

You fart?!

Sometimes this ends a relationship, especially in the case of a fling or May-December relationships.

This stage can be painful and difficult but it can also be a great source of strength. When you and the object of your affection hit your first road block, if you can overcome it and learn to accept your differences which as much passion as you accepted your sameness, it can result in a stronger relationship and deeper bonding through growth as a couple.

That's right - a couple.

The Choice Process
How many make-or-break moments are there in relationships? How many decisions to stay together or move apart? There can be one or their can be countless ones.

I picked C

The Choice Stage normally first happens after the Growth Stage because the choice needs to be made to stay together for something long-term or call it quits if it is a short-term thing. Questions about your partner might start to come up about children, living situations and pesky habits.

The Choice Stage is one of the more common processes because if the relationship endures, more choices will be made such as marriage, children and mortgages. Each one of these, to a certain extent, can result in a break even if, for example, you have married your love and now face a choice about children or accepting a dream job in another country.

The Goal Process

The Goal Process can be considered the peak of a relationship when all needs are being met and there is stability in the relationship.

Bull's eye

It is still a process because people are dynamic and needs change in a relationship. Two people together for five years might have reached the goal process but as soon as they bring a baby into the situation, needs and values shift to something else.

During this process, it is more common for the relationship itself to not be questioned but the wants and the needs of the unit are. They sacrifices which happen during this process tend to be made for the good of the unit rather than one member of the relationship.

Thoughts
When you are faced with a change or conflict in a relationship, or even if you find yourself in a stable happy place, remember relationships are complex and dynamic.

Image Credit
Enchantment from tintagelcastle.
Growth from speak-first.com.
Choice from sentryjournal.com.
Goal from tiersystemstrengthtraining.blogspot.com.

Moving In Together

2012-01-10T00:00:00.000-05:00

Some couples never have the chance to live together before marriage, some don't believe in it and some have done it many times.

It is important to be ready to live with someone when you move in together. Understand, you will have to share space and chores and deal with your mates lego collection or unicorn collection. You will have to merge your stuff if you had an established household before combined it.

Be prepare for this.

Contents: 500 cats and three Star Wars posters

Tips
Welcome to my tip block! Here are some things to think about, talk over and do when you are ready to buy/rent a place with your mate or move into his/her place. Or have him/her move in with you.

Finances: Before you move in with someone, you should have a good understanding of your finances and the finances of your partner. Trust me. You might assume certain things about lifestyle and income, you need to get your facts straight about everything money related. For example, if your mate loses his/her job, can you afford to support the both of you (and vice versa)?
Housework: If you live alone or with a roommate before, you might already have a clear view of how the household is suppose to be run. However, this is a new situation. You need to decide who is responsible for what. You also need to know if you are a little more lax with housework and your mate is more of a neat-freak, this will take some adjustment. Divide up the household chores and make sure you both are happy (or at least understanding and accepting) of how things will run when you are together.
Decorate: If you are both moving into a new space, take the time to decorate together so the place feels like it belongs to both of you. If you are moving into your mate's space, or your mate is moving into yours, make sure you have a talk about how you are going to merge your stuff. No one likes to feel as if the place they are living doesn't belong to them.
Privacy: It is important to also have your own space. Even when you move in with the love of your life, it is important to have a space you can go in your house/apartment that is yours and off-limits to your mate. This allows both of you time to decompress and recharge. Remember, you had time apart and your own space before you moved in. Don't give that up!
Guests: When you move in with someone, make sure you set ground rules about guests. When you had your own place, your friends/family might have been able to come and go as they please, crash on the couch or eat your food. Once you live with someone else, you need to be clear as to how you are going to deal with visitors, friends and family. Remember, it is up to you to tell your family and friends any new ground rules - don't make your mate be the "bad guy" because something has changed.

Final Thoughts

Moving in together can be exciting, stressful and practical. It is important that you do so for all the right reasons and you understand your commitment to each other has moved to "the next level." Remember, a break-up when you have a mortgage or rent that you both have to contribute to can lead to some pretty serious problems.

Remember, also, to spend time away from the house. Just because you and your mate can now see each other everyday doesn't mean you should stop having a date night or stop going out. Even if money becomes a little tight due to the move, make sure you make time to do special things together to keep the spark alive.

Finally, don't move in with someone if you think it will lead to something else. If you believe you are moving in as the next stop to marriage or children, you better make that known to your mate. Discuss how you want your relationship to either change or stay the same when you move in - be open with your fears and hopes for the future.

Image Credits

Box from everydayminimalist.

Match.Com: Round 3: Trial Week

2012-01-09T00:00:00.002-05:00

I know Friday I always post a guest post or some type of perspective. You know what you haven't been getting enough of on my blog? My perspective!

That's a joke, by the way.

I wasn't feeling well last week, I got this nasty cold. It's cool because I was off from work. It's was not cool because I had a lot of stuff I had to get done. What's a girl to do when she's leaking mucus, coughing up a rib and unable to stand for more than 2 minutes?

Sign up for a Match.com free 7 day trial!

Speedy
No worries - I have three prospects already. I am working on finalizing a day for next week, I gave my number to another guy and I think I am interested in a third I IMed with a bit.

That's right - my Match.com Round 2 adventures included three months of nothing. This time, within about 24 hours, I almost ready to book some dates. You can catch up on past Match.com magic by reading my Match.com Recap page.

The Board - Refresher
Do you remember way back, almost a year ago, I wrote a post about how to date with a certain about of objectivity while keeping the fun and butterflies alive? So long ago. Here is a refresher from my Board post.

The Board can be split into two, one for online and one for offline relationships. There are three activity positions on the Board and one Wild Card. Board positions are set by hierarchy, but two guys can hold the same title as long as the total amount of guys doesn't exceed 3 + 1. In the real dating world, this is the basic structure:

Gentleman Caller: The highest level on the Board. This position is actively being evaluated for boyfriend (monogamous relationship) material.
Prospect: This guy has already been on two dates, at least, and I am interested to see more of him and where this will go.
Contender: This guy is approved for a first date.
Wild Card: The Wild Card is not actually on the Board. However, at any point, the Wild Card can knock out anyone else in any position. This position is for a guy who maybe it harder to get a hold of for legitimate reasons. Or maybe, between the two of us, we haven't been able to connect but something about him makes me not want to write him off

My Current Board
Currently, my board is made up of four guys. Who knew, right?

Mr. Smiles: I will call him this as he does not smile in any of his pictures. It's a little off-putting, but, since he wrote a bit about how he just doesn't like how he looks when he smiles, I gave him a pass. He is also "currently separated" but when I mentioned it, he made some very good points in a very articulate and convincing way. We are trying to set something up either this weekend or Wednesday of next week.
The Lawyer: I don't know if he is a lawyer - he does have a legal profession. He's not really rating very high on my list right now, but, we keep exchanging emails. He hasn't asked anything of me really personal (like name, phone number). If I could, I would maybe just let him slip off the radar but now it's awkward because we have this conversation going in email. Also, we all know my luck with lawyers. Damn heartbreakers.
The Engineer: I have a thing for engineers. Maybe because I like the word. Engineer. Anyhow, he and I exchanged numbers. I can't stay too much about him, I believe, other than it seemed very natural and easy to move from our email chain to, "hey, here's my number, let's meet up soon."
The Carpenter: He actually IMed me and because Match.com's IM system is horrible, I never got anything from him. Since I saw his name and then saw he viewed my profile, I sent him an email saying I didn't get his message and it was an accident. We IMed/emailed a little and he seems interesting.

My Stance

I don't know. I think things just felt stable enough in my life along with being boring enough that I needed something and then luck sort of happened when these guys messaged me. A perfect storm? Perhaps. I have no real stance other than that.

Most of my ideas start with, "I seemed like a good idea at the time."

I got seven free days. Who knows, right?

Yep

Image Credit
Mouse love from artuji.com.
Poster from roflposters.com.

Goodbye Job

2012-01-06T01:00:00.000-05:00

After about 8-10 months of hardcore searching (that's about 15-20 hours a week) I finally landed myself a job that allows me to do things like eat. I accepted my offer on December 15, 2011.

This search and need and stress was what had been ripping up my adrenal glands so I am totally fatigued. I need some recovery, but, I already feel a great sense of peace knowing I accomplished what I had been working so hard for.

Listen, there isn't anything in life that can't be solved by hard work. Conan said it best, actually, and this is how I sort of feel.

If you work really hard and you are kind, amazing things will happen.

Saying Goodbye
I can't say anything bad about the people I worked with in my last 4 1/2 (and not just because they know where I live) but because I couldn't have asked for a better group of people. Sure, I wanted to knife-face-stab a couple from time-to-time, but, I count myself truly blessed for their support and guidance. In a very real way - they each saved my life. They were there in their quirky, supporting, demanding, casual, OCD, dramatic, funny and snarky way when I was at my sickest and when I went through the worst times in my life.

My final email to my coworkers read:

Dear Coworkers,

Ahh, where to start – for the last 4 ½ years this place has been my home. I truly feel blessed to have gotten to know, annoy and work with all of you. I will miss you guys more than I can say. . .even though I threatened to knife-face-stab some of you or set you on fire. But, in all seriousness, about a month after I started here, I learned I was actually pretty sick and pretty close to death - and I showed up for work the next day and continued coming to work throughout my treatments even when I could have taken a leave. I did this because you guys are pretty damn awesome, amazingly supportive, creative and smart. And not too hard on the eyes, let’s be honest.

If anyone wants to get in touch, keep in touch or requires bail money. . .[contact information]

If you work really hard and you are kind, amazing things will happen.

Thanks for everything people!
~Amanda

I'd just like to post some of the moments with my fabulous former co-workers:

Manda: Did I solve your problem? lol
Lisa: yes you did. omg, you're fantastic! Just when i think you've exceeded you're awesomeness - boom!
Manda: Some call me the space cowboy

Kristen: Well what am i suposed to do amanda!!!!!
Manda: live life
Kristen: i dont know why im yelling at you
Manda: I think you find it theraputic. Just be awesome. That's what you do
Kristen: i can do that

Brandy: Are you saying you are a homewrecker, Scott?
Scott: Absolutly not.
Manda: Scott reafirms marriage because when a guy or girl goes out with him, they are like, "Holy, I'm going to work on my marriage if this is what is out there."
Scott: *throws a pen at me*
Stacy: I like how you said guy or girl.
Manda: Scott can't be picky.

Stacy: Are you boozing?
Manda: Nope. Using my handsantizer. It's my mid-day pick-me-up.
Stacy: Well, you do smell like mothballs, as someone once said.
Manda: Yeah, and she smells like job-less.

Stacy: Hello
Manda: burger
Stacy: When you review for Tim make sure he has one activity per module
Manda: Pipe cleaner
Stacy: I told him to in the email i sent
Manda: Flea
Stacy: And if he didn't he needs to
Manda: Butter
Stacy: Just sayin'
Manda: Ostrich
Stacy: What does that even mean?
Manda: Hopscotch

Frank: Why don't we have a Rat Pack?
Manda: You're looking at it, baby.
Tim: Who was in the rat pack?
Manda: There Bolgart, Davis Jr, Sinatra, Lawford, Dean Martin-
Frank: I'm Sinatra because I'm smooth.
Tim: I want to be Dean Martin.
Manda: I want to be Sammy Davis, Jr. People mistaken me for a black man all the time.

Brandy: you're good
Manda: Oh, I know. I know.
Brandy: I know you know
Manda: I know you know I know.
Brandy: well i know that you know that i know that you know.
Manda: I know that you know that I know that you know that I know. You know?
Brandy: Oh i know
Manda: *fist bump*

Lisa: Hey, Sluts-R-Us.
Manda: Shut up, Nebraska. We built this city on rock 'n' roll.

Kathy: I am very pleased to announce the addition of Amanda Lee to the Finance Team!
Manda: I still have rights to the following names: Amanda, Manda and AK-47.

Scott: Yeah, once your turn 26, it's all down hill.
Frank: All you have to look foward to is death.
Scott: So true.
Frank: Death is the greatest adventure.
Manda: I always thought it was the female orgasm.

Frank: That's for looking out for my health.
Manda: I want to keep you around. I mean, one day you are going to break up with that bi-sexual Cuban and be all vulerable and that's when I am going to pounce.
Frank: I'm always vulenerable.
Manda: I have that affect on boys.
Frank: Seriously, pounce anytime.
Kristen: What do you call it when you sleep around a lot?
Manda: Are you suggesting I sleep around a lot?
Frank: Man, I wish you would.
Manda: Being slutty?
Kristen: No. Like when you have relaitonships. It's a word.
Manda: Poloyamerious?
Frank: I called the bi-sexual Cuban out on that. She said she was poloyamerious and I was like, "no, you're just slutty and that's ok because I'm slutty, too." Let's just call it for what it is.
Manda: Maybe you should be like, "hey, you lied to me, we can fix this with a threesome."
Frank: That's not out of the question. Just got to find a willing party.
Manda: You can pick them up in bars.
Kristen: How do you know this?
Manda: I have diverse interests.
Frank: Haven't been able to find anyone.
Manda: Craigslist.
Frank: That's a good idea.
Kristen: Frank, you are the Craigslist Killer.
Frank: Ok, first, you're right. Second, how did you know?

Joe: Did he meet the rats?
Manda: He did.
Joe: Did he touch them?
Manda: He did.
Joe: Did he run away?
Manda: He did not.
Joe: What's wrong with him?
Manda: I don't know.

Friend: He's cute! OMG. You are serious?
Manda: I don't date losers.
Friend: Right. What does he do?
Manda: Lawyer.
Friend: OMG, this is the guy you met at Mixx on Saturday?
Manda: Yes.
Friend: Did you bone him?
Manda: It's physically impossible for me to bone someone.
Friend: I'd totally hit that. You should hit that.
Manda: Simmer down. I'm not easy. You gotta work for this jelly.
Friend: Look fimilar: Sat, Feb 5, 2011 at 4:45 PM: Amanda: I'd do him.
Manda: Oh, fiddlesticks.

Rose: i am thinking shop N bag thought i would let ya know
Amanda: I brought my lunch today
Rose: OMG see I invite you out and you don't want to go.
Amanda: Well, you're rejection hurt. I had to pack. Eat in the dark. Alone. Crying. Softly. . .
Rose: You want me to do that or you did that yesterday?
Amanda: I'm doing it now. lol
Rose: oh gezz. Well i do that every day on my lunch break so deal
Amanda: Yeah. .well. . .I deal with your face
Rose: you dont!! There are like 4 monitors between us!
Amanda: I can feel it. . .Burning
Rose: Just like your vag!

Kara: Oh, well sometimes better to plan for more and end up with less.
Manda: Oh. . .
Kara: Wow - TWSS!
Manda: That is NOT what she said.

Mark (9:09am): Gonorrhea might be going superbug
Manda (9:09am): Oh. .hello

Manda: Sorta makes you feel smarter
Brandon: sorta makes me weep for the future.
Manda: We are the future
Brandon: we are the children
Manda: We are the world
Brandon: thanks Michael...we love you.
Manda:: Do we? Or does he love us.
Brandon: i mean...he's dead.
Manda: Is he? Is he, Brando?
Brandon: i sure hope so, cuz that means i spit on the wrong corpse. Wow...even i found that in bad taste
Manda: Can you ever spit on the wrong corpse?
Brandon: i dont know.

Manda: I don't likle all that typing noise over there
Mike: it's not bad, don't worry
Manda: Mm-hmmm. I hit you with a crowbar for every revision.
Mike: !!!
Manda: Just saying. New process.

Tim: what!? I'm printing them already
Manda: Nothing! This conversation never happened. These aren't the droids you are looking for. Move along.
Tim: So do u want some shots or now no
Manda: Nope. You don't follow directions. You're totally getting shot in the head during the z-poc
Tim: Well what the fak? I'm creating an iphone app so that ill survive.
Manda: Watch it. I wasn't specific about what head.

Stacy: Do you still have salteens?
Manda: No
Stacy: ok, no problem
Manda: I do have tampons
Stacy: those are not a very good snack...
Manda: No. They are. .taco filling
Stacy: gross
Manda: Indeed

Manda: Hi. We're developing a chart for the Edcomm Slave Trade (EST) project. Anyhow, blonds would automatically be more valuble on the black market. Could you dye your hair blond? I mean, what with the econmey and all. .
Tara: anything for a buck!
Manda: Excellent! Your cooperation in this matter has not gone unnoticed. I'll put you in as a blond
Tara: haha

Jackie: I'll have you know... I would be very valuable on the black market!! lol
Manda: Oh, totally
Jackie: haha tara sent me the message and it totally made my day
Manda: But, our customers look at invoice bottom lines. . .blonds are in demand right now.
Jackie: haha!!
Manda: However, there is an awesome nitch market for pale skin in black hair. If you could do some skin bleaching. . .I think it would totally bring in a couple Gs
Jackie: haha done and done
Manda: Nice! Your cooperation has also not gone unnoticed. I’ll try to keep you and Tara local. . .
Jackie: phew... i knew this wasnt going to be in the Congrats folder so I was semi nervous about the recognition value. haha just no further than Nigeria
Manda: Nigeria will take anything.

Manda: I need some manuals reviewed.
Kristen: I can do it.
Manda: Let me know when you are about to start, I will go over the process.
Kristen: Let's start in approximately 7 minutes.
Manda: Aprox!
Kristen: Start the timer....now
Manda: Now? Or before. . .?
Kristen: I have been timing since 11:13. 4 minutes...
Manda: I process time differently because I am located in a different area. Have you calculated for jet lag and time zones?

Stacy: Tim parted some plants on his desk. We are going to reinacte the Bible. Tim is Moses, Mike is Jesus, Scott is Judus, Kristen is Noah's and you are going to be Mary Magdalene.
Kristen: She was the whore.
Manda: Mary Magdalene was not a whore.
Tim: Whore.
Stacy: But you have a whole movie about you called the Da Vinci Code.
Manda: why am I the whore?
Stacy: You are going out on a date on a school night.
Tim: Yeah, picking up hoodrats in Delware. I've spent some time in Delware.
Manda: Just because you call a girl "Delware" doesn't mean you have ever been in the state of Delware.
Mark: You're not even coming in tomorrow are you?
Stacy: Wait, you come in late this morning, leaving early tonight and your not coming in tomorrow? If you aren't coming in tomorrow, I'm not coming in tomorrow.
Scott: Amanda, I don't think you're a whore. No guy would touch you. You suck.
Manda: Are you saying I suck like your face on a grown man's dick?
Scott: Touche.

Manda: Hi buddy!
Scott: hey cupcake how are you
Manda: I'm awesome squishy-pants! How are you?
Scott: im doin well thanks puddin...
Manda: How old are you today? 40? 42?
Scott: Dick 27
Manda: Mark will be supplying the dick for you this evening.
Scott: haha i will be in AC at a party.
Manda: Well, watch your corn-hole. You only got a couple good years left with it. Then it's like throwing a hotdog down a hall.
Scott: hahah...thats not my style so my "corn-hole" will not be touched
Manda: Touched, no. Pounded, yes.

Frank: Whoa, who's the hottie with the boobs?
Kristen: Shut up, she's like 18.
Manda:That's legal.
Tim: Amanda, you think what I say.
Stacy: Whoa.
Tim: I mean, Amanda, you say what I think.
Manda: I know, you didn't have to say it.

Director of HR: Amanda, your [Out of office forms] are def the sign of a sick but hilariously creative mind!!!

Katherine: what are standards?
Manda: They are like clothes. Something you claim you like and have but you only wear them to be socially acceptable.

Great Advice #39: A Good Fight

2012-01-05T00:00:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the first Thursday of 2012. At least, according to the Gregorian calendar.

A good fight is a fight that results in another fight.

Context
I'm going to take credit for this one. I thought of it when I was trying to communicate the importance of fighting in a relationship. And I don't mean fighting as in drop-down, drag-out battles or abusive behaviors. I mean arguments, disagreements and occasional bickering that happens between people at various non-fatal or non-casualty-inducing pitches.

Sorry. It's cute when you fight

Application
How you fight and how you deal with the after affects of a fight are key in a relationship. The point of a fight in a relationship is to be able to have another fight. It is important to fight fair, to admit when you are wrong, to apologize, to forgive and to make-up. It's also important to know how to agree to disagree and work together on solutions.

By fighting in a way that you continue to safely have arguments, the relationship becomes more important than the disagreements. The day you fight in such a way that you never have to fight again, is the day your relationship is over.

Remember, having fights with your mate is not a sign of a weak relationship, it is actually very healthy. Be sure to fight fair and never say something so horrible to cuts your mate to the core or cannot be taken back. Aim to fight again which means working to resolve the argument, compromise on issues and return a loving balance to your couplehood.

Like My Advice?
To catch up on past posts, you can visit my Great Advice Series page which contains a complete list of links to all my Thursday posts.

As always, if you think you have some good advice for me to report on, leave me a comment on this post or email me at DatingManda@gmail.com.

Image Credit
Kittens from wegotthiscovered.com.

The Power of Doubt

2012-01-04T00:00:00.000-05:00

I have gone into relationships with doubts. I think, to a point, you always have doubts. Especially once you have been hurt before. Doubts can rear up and save you before you take a bad fall. In these two ways, doubt is a very powerful and helpful thing.

A Case Study

I was once engagement ring shopping with my friend. The ring was for his girlfriend, not me. Since he decided the whole thing to be a complete surprise, he was going to get the ring himself without her knowing or without any of her input.

Friend: The ring is a gift from me. She doesn't get to pick it out, watch me pay for it and wear it out of the store or something. That's the most insulting and stupid thing. I am asking her a question, I want to ask with a token that I picked out. I have to take the risk, I have to ask the question. She doesn't get it all. She doesn't get to look at magazines and leave me hints. It's my job to know her and pick out something she likes. We aren't going to the store, she picks it out and then I pretend to hid it in my sock drawer and tell her she has to wait for me to ask. That's a load of not very nice fertilizer.

There was a lot more profanity in the rant. I'm just saying, I cleaned it up. Anyhow, his point was clear - he was going to do this on his own, without even a hint in her direction and he was going to take me along with him because he had not idea what he was doing.

I was quite surprised when he settled on a ring and we had this exchange:

Friend: Do you think she'll like it?
Manda: I'm not going to marry her. Do you think she'll like it?
Friend: Yeah. It's her style.
Manda: This is it. Your financially and emotionally linked commitment to one girl for the rest of your life.
Friend: I think I'm going to hurl. [Puts forehead on glass, takes deep breath].
Manda: Having doubts?
Friend: When you put it like that, I do.

The Focus

Poor guy, in one moment he was so completely focused on the possibility that she would say no or that they wouldn't stay married he instantly thought he was not ready.

We create a lot of our own doubt in relationships because we think we shouldn't have any. So many couples say, "I just knew!" and market their relationship as a fabulous fairy tale without a hint of doubt that they might be making a mistake. And if they end up finding the did make a mistake, they will confess later they really didn't think it would work out but they were to naive/swept-up/forced into the relationship.

The Power

Doubt is real and powerful. Doubt is the little thing that tells you, "This is not certain." It tells you that what you have right now is not forever.

Doubt should never be the focus of your emotions. You can't go through life doubting everything good is going to go away. Doubt tells you the focus should be preserving, protecting and cherishing what you have now so it has a chance to continue to be yours and grow.

True

Let me list a couple things in life that are not certain:

Winning the lottery.
Getting that promotion.
Being left 10 billion dollars by a distant relative.
Popcorn.
Animals.
Happiness.
Family.
Love.
Tomorrow.

Have doubt about everything in your life. Embrace the doubt and ask it where it is coming from. Tomorrow isn't certain, there is always some doubt there, so make your actions in your relationships count today. Use the fact that nothing is forever to work to preserve what you have. Never take love for granted.

Image Credit
Forever image from streetfiles.org.

Real Love

2012-01-03T00:00:00.000-05:00

I can't tell you how many times friends have come to me telling me they are in love. While 75% of the time it tends to be with an inanimate object or non-human, a good 25% of the time it is with another person.

I totally support love.

I fell in love with Corbin, my friend's rat-baby

I can't say I am always convinced it is endurable love. . .

Friend: OMG, I'm in love.
Manda: No you aren't.
Friend: I went on this date. It's going to end in marriage.
Manda: What's her last name?
Friend: I don't know. It doesn't matter.
Manda: I think I won my point.

I am also reminded of the stereotypical jib-jab about, "How did you know s/he was the one?" and the reply being, "I just knew." Normally followed up by someone looking at me and saying, "Love is amazing. One day you will find it. It just happens!"

It just happens like me not wearing underwear just happens. That's what I say. Love takes thought, work and a bit of luck (or not doing laundry). However, it comes out of my mouth as, "Thanks. I'm so happy for you!"

Boink!

Signs of Love
Love is a wonderful mix of biology, humor, compatibly, luck, timing, passion and probably some other things like eye of newt and unicorn pee. However, there are some common themes that most people can relate to when they are really in love.

Positive Feelings: Beyond the originally rosy stage when everything seem brighter, when you are in love, you have many more positive feelings toward your mate and your life than you did before. You don't feel insecure about your relationship or the type of person your mate is. Sure, s/he can drive you batty, but at the end of the day (or fight) you find yourself focusing more on the good parts of your life.
You Care: You care about your mate - maybe slightly more than yourself. This means you sit through all the Twilight movies because you care for your mate. You also like being with your mate - if you are going to have to sit through some boring sports match, you find it fun because of your mate. At the end of the day, you are happy to be coming home to your mate. You care when s/he has a fight with a family member or has a tough day at work and you are happy to be there emotionally and physically.
You Fight: A good fight is a fight that results in another fight. This means when you disagree and even downright fight, you don't hurt your mate, you don't call him/her bad names and you know how and when to end the fight. In other words, you solve your problems, forgive each other, fight fair and probably fight again. The fight doesn't shake your relationship and you both know how to admit and accept being right and wrong.
You Forget Past Loves: Many people fall in love more than once and have more than one relationship. When you are in real love, you tend not to romance past relationships or compare your relationship (good or bad) to the past. You don't have to hide the fact that you had past relationships but you are indifferent toward them because your needs are being met by your current relationship and mate.
You Protect: When you are in real love, you protect yourself and stop taking as many risks because you don't want to hurt your mate by, say, driving 100mph into a tree. You also protect your mate and defend him/her against other people's (wrongful) negativity. You never bring your mate down in public or private. You make sure in whatever way you can, you provide and protect the unit that is your relationship - financially, emotionally and physically.

Final Thoughts
There are many signs and feelings of love. And remember, love is temporary but because you have loved doesn't mean you won't love again.

Here is some humor for you.

Image Credits
Lovers from englishbaby.com.
List from dating.failblog.org.

Relationship Resolutions!

2012-01-02T00:00:00.001-05:00

If you want to lose weight, you should be reading Fit2Fat2Fit. If you want to gain emotional weight, then you are in the right place.

Really, that joke sounded better in my head.

Of course, while you are making zillions of resolutions, you might as well make a couple for your heart, soul and relationship.

Ha. Funny

For those who celebrate the New Year and are into making resolutions and are with someone you adore, it would be a good time to make a couple for you and your mate. In fact, with a couple tweeks, you could probably make all of these work for platonic friends and family.

Relationship Resolutions
Here are some good ideas for some resolutions you can make to improve and enhance your relationship.

Face time: Make a plan to spend an extra 10-20 minutes a day talking to your mate. Turn off your cell phone, get off those dang Internetz and book some real time chatting about your day, listening to your mate's thoughts and investing some undivided attention to your relationship.
Gratitude: I wrote a post called Gratitude and Relationships not to long ago. You should work, this year, on making sure you show your gratitude to those you care about. Thank your mate daily.
Re-Invent Date Night: Make plans for a date night - a chronic date night. Get out with the one you love a little more. Make a plan once a week or twice a month where you and your mate can enjoy a shared activity or try out some new things or even just grab some coffee together.
Forgive: Things aren't always rosy. They won't always be rosy. Make a plan to forgive your mate (and yourself) for past problems and mistakes. Start off fresh and focus on your future and the hope that brings rather than holding on to past bitterness.

For my final tip, it's simple, tune-up or check-out now. If you are not in a relationship that meets your needs or you cannot meet the needs of your mate, make a plan to invest fully in fixing this or go for a clean break. If you aren't ready to lose your mate, enroll in therapy or have a real heart-to-heart. If you know there is no hope for the future, end it now and be fair to your mate.

Image Credit

Calvin and Hobbs from notefromlapland.com.

Happy New Year

2012-01-01T00:00:00.000-05:00

And now, a special post from 2011!

Dear World:
It was a pleasure serving you for the last 365 days. I have asked 2012 to give you an extra day as a secret bonus.
Love,
2011

Remember, if you follow the Gregorian Calendar, 2012 is a leap year and there are 366 days.

Image Credits
Image from babble.com.

Perspectives: The Perfect Boyfriend

2011-12-30T00:00:00.001-05:00

I came across this while I was stumbling on the Internet and thought it was worth posting. Come on guys, be the perfect boyfriend!

You can see the whole thing on Vide Jug with a video!

Also, the voice on the video sounds like the opening narrator on Unreal Tournament.
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How To Be The Perfect Boyfriend

Being the perfect boyfriend can be a bit of a challenge, but here's how it's done! Be the perfect boyfriend with VideoJug's helpful suggestions and you'll never let your partner down again!

Step 1: Listen to her
Girls like to talk a lot, about things you don't really understand such as shopping, makeup, and feelings. It's important to seem interested no matter how confused you are because girls value communication above all things. If you do lose the thread, and she suddenly demands a response, here are a few phrases that may come in useful: "What an interesting story!" or "I can't believe it, tell me again- in more detail" or if all else fails- "oh sorry, I was just thinking about how much I love you."

Step 2: Love her friends and family
No matter how great you think you are, you're not the only person in her life. Her family and friends are also important to her. Remember key facts about them, such as their names - so you avoid saying things like 'oh her, the fat one with the hair' Try and make them your friends too. This way, when you screw up and she runs crying to them, you've got someone on the inside. Remember hell hath no fury like a woman's friends.

Step 3: Be a man
In the olden days, it was all about be a mans man, then it was briefly about being a woman's man, now its about being the perfect man. The operative word here is 'man'. Sure you can carry her bag, open doors, and pump iron, But can you be supportive and facilitate her ability to achieve? Has she got a new job? Give her a call. Has she written a poem? Read it. And if she's afraid of the dark? Be the one who turns on the light.

Step 4: In the bedroom
When it comes to bedtime, and matters of the night you need to be play your woman like a piano - you can play a soft sonata, some freeform jazz, or a drive time power ballad. Whatever song she's in the mood for, play it well and you're bound to get an encore.

Step 5: Surprise her
Take her out for dinner! Buy her some flowers! If it's been a good month treat her to a mini-break! This last option is fantastic, as it gives her ample opportunity to reward you.

Step 6: Be hygienic
The perfect man is the wind beneath her wings not the wind beneath the duvet. Be respectful, contain and disguise your bodily odours. She does it, why can't you? Shower regularly, always brush your teeth and stay well groomed. Top Tip: Deodorant is for after the shower, not instead of it.

Step 7: Be faithful
If you're with this girl it's for a reason, decide early if you're serious about her, and then never ever mess around.

Have fun with your girlfriend.

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Do You Have A Perspective?
I'm always looking for people to guest post! Send me your thoughts at DatingManda@gmail.com.

Great Advice #38: Not The Only One

2011-12-29T00:00:00.000-05:00

Last advice posting for 2011! Are you pumped?

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one!"

Context
This quote is by none other than Clive Staples Lewis. That's C.S. Lewis - the author of the Chronicles of Narnia and Space Trilogy novels, as well as a lot of other stuff that tended to have Christian themes and dealt with a fall from grace and redemption. I would also like to point out he was Irish, not English.

He probably influenced you

Many people view C.S. Lewis as a guy who must have been intelligent, deeply religious and loved children. He actually was a bit of a loner, didn't really like children, didn't "find" his religious spot until his 30s and a little bit of a chauvinist.

However, his thoughts and writings continue to influence people today. Trust me, J.K. Rowling, Daniel Handler and J.R.R. Tolkien would not have written their works if they had not come in contact with C.S. Lewis' work.

However, Lewis did value the friendships he had at an enormous level and when he did call someone a friend, it was a life-long commitment based on a deep connection.

Application
Any good romantic relationship is first based on friendship - if you don't have a solid friendship, you don't have much else. A lot of times, when dating, you meet weird people. A lot of weird people. Sometimes it's pretty scary and it can leave you feeling very much alone, or even feeling as if you are the problem.

Friendship and relationships are rarely accidents. Lewis sums up the whole situation in this quote - when you see in someone a trait or an element that makes you suddenly feel less alone. Seek out relationship and people who share a deep, common thread and make you feel less alone, less different and less like one of those weird people out on the dating scene.

On the flip side, don't hide who you are. I guarantee you, not everyone is going to like/love/stand you - however, in order to find a true connection with someone.

Like My Advice?
To catch up on past posts, you can visit my Great Advice Series page which contains a complete list of links to all my Thursday posts.

As always, if you think you have some good advice for me to report on, leave me a comment on this post or email me at DatingManda@gmail.com.

Image Credit
Headshot from Wikipedia

A Real Woman

2011-12-28T00:00:00.000-05:00

I'm actually a female - I know, right? And I thought I would take some time to give some advice out that I have learned in my years about what it means to be a real woman.

re·al, real/ˈrē(ə)l/, /rāˈäl/
Adjective: Actually existing as a thing or occurring in fact; not imagined or supposed.

I have heard the following:

Real women have curves.
Real women are wise.
Real women seeks to make God her number one desire
Real women cry.
Real women are fashionable.
Real women dye their hair.
Real women stay at home.
Real women don't need a man.
Real women have babies.
Real women are spiritual.
Real women are sexual.
Real women are better than men.
Real women know how to cook.
Real women know how to please a man.
Real women like chocolate.
Real women have jobs.
Real women take care of a man.
Real women are chaste.
Real women are strong.
Real women are intelligent.
Real women knows how to drink and have a good time.
Real women are blond.

And the list goes on.

My Thoughts
Can we stop with the "real women" thing? Really. Enough with it. Why does there have to be any standard at all other than existing?

It is almost comical the way women, in general, take something they are insecure or proud about and announce it as the standard of a "real" woman. Commercially, it's gold, but socially it is somewhat bizarre when someone announces, "Real women have hips!" or when someone states, "Real women have children!" or when someone states, "Real women have Master's degrees!"

Real, as I defined above, just means you exist. Any woman who ever walked this earth is a real woman with a variety of sparkle and flaws. The actions or choices that a woman makes might be used to belittle or glorify her, but, at the end of a day, she is still a real woman.

When Dating
When dating, boys and girls, stop throwing out "real" - real man or real woman - and get in touch with what you really what. Do you want children? Do you want curves? Do you want higher degrees to prove intelligence? Do you want a tom-boy? Do you want a high-tea lady? Do you want a sports fan? Do you want a loud-mouth?

These are all real people who are diverse and intense and who fit into the world because of who they are rather than some standard of existence.

Keep it real

Manda's Century: It's Official

2011-12-27T00:00:00.000-05:00

Remember how I was biking and blogging and then I stopped blogging about biking on my relationship/dating blog?

Yeah. About that. I had an adrenal crash and haven't been able to really get out biking since Thanksgiving (that's November 27th, for you non-Americans).

I did see my doctor and he set me up with some new supplements and a better medication regiment for now. I have been working on eating better - both for eating sake and to support my adrenals. And because I have this huge belly now where about 10lbs of my weight it sitting. Awesome.

December has been a bum month - I was back out there the day after Christmas for a short 4.4 mile ride. It felt good, but, I can feel I am still not 100%.

But, whatever!

My bike buddy and I signed up for the MS City to Shore Century ride which will take place on September 29th. That's right, we are assembling a team, we are taking donations and it's going to be great.

Logo Thoughts
No, I don't understand the logo thing there. First, they cross out MS, which makes sense because we are trying to defeat it. Then the slogan is "don't just ride, bike MS" . . but. .we already crossed out MS in the last area - now it's ok to have not crossed out.

Confusing.

I also find the find the site a little hard to navigate. Ahh well. It's a good cause.

Manda's Century
You can follow my biking adventures by checking out my Manda's Century Ride page. It lists (in convenient bullet form) the lessons I have learned and has links to each of my biking related posts.

Not dating related, you say? Well, if you haven't noticed, dating has been slim-to-none - leaning toward none - so that this as awesome filler.

Quickies: Relationship Gold

2011-12-26T00:00:00.000-05:00

The all powerful quickie. It can result in super-positive things for your relationship - so, you should be all about them.

Now

Not everyone is open with their sexual side, and not ever relationship has sex it in. However, if you are having sex with your mate and enjoy being in a relationship with him/her, this is going to be some good information. Also, if you play your cards right, you get some quickies.

Non-Quickies
A lot of people enter into a relationship and have amazing sex to start - married or not. In fact, sometimes one or both person in the relationship believes there should be awesome, mind-blowing, soul-connecting, body-tingling, marathon love-making sessions ONLY.

These are great events, let's be clear, but if you are waiting for that magical moment when both you and your mate are in the proper mindset, mood and have that type of time every time you are going to have sex, you are going to be upset a lot.

The quickie provides a time when both you and your mate can come together without Harlequin expectations and still have time to do everything else you need to do. It is a flattering thing - wanting your mate RIGHT NOW without romance or chocolates or bubble baths and also a bit of a dirty secret (Heehee, we just did it in the powder room).

Quickie Tips
To be a master of the quickie, you are going to have to know some things. Here are some tips:

Smooch!: Even if you have been married for 10 years, spend some quality time smooching. You don't have to dive right into the sex. Smooching is the best way to get the engine going in a short amount of time. Even if you don't get to the quickie, a good make-out session can be almost as good as the quickie.
Clothing: You aren't going to have a chance to get naked if you are clothed. Don't worry about removing everything, just get to the good parts. Besides, the animalistic feeling of "I want you so bad I can't even get all your clothes off!" it all is normally quite hot.
Location, location, location: Bedroom, respectable. Dinning room table, hot. Stairway to bedroom, steamy. Friend's powder room before dinner is served, insane! For a quickie, location is key! Find a good, quiet spot and get to it. Let your imagination and some of your inner-prude go.
Dirty It: The danger of the quickie can be somewhat more of the physical ability to get turned-on on a dime. This isn't always the easiest thing for some people so you need to move your foreplay to light-speed. Talk dirty. Tell your mate how badly you want him/her and what you are going to do and how badly you want him/her and how long you wanted to have sex with him/her.

A little prep for a quickie can be done and is a good thing. It is important you have quick access to condoms or whatever birth control you might be using. Also, getting a sample size of some lubrication can greatly improve the quickie if the mind is ready to go but the body is a little slow on the up-take.

Other Thoughts
While quickies can be highly spontaneous, you can also plan them to a certain point. If you find you and your mate are running in different directions, going crazy with everything you have to get done, plan a session on the kitchen counter - show up, get it on and then get back to your life.

Additionally, sometimes a quickie doesn't go as well as planned. Trying to have one in the coat closet at your sister's wedding reception might prove too dangerous for your mate who might chicken out. This is ok. You should both understand and respect where and when you are going to be doing quickies. Nothing is more uncomfortable than trying to have a romantic moment with the one you love and s/he is panicked and not having a good time at all.

Image Credit
blog.timesunion.com.

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-25T00:00:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas to all!

Image Credit
Image from writeawriting.com.

Perspective: Breaking Up

2011-12-23T01:00:00.000-05:00

I seem to spend a lot of time reading stuff from Psychology Today and I don't know how I feel about it.

Anyhow, this is a very long article about how to survive a breakup in today's world. Or at least the world in 2011 - sooo long ago.

You can read the full article here, The Thoroughly Modern Guide to Breakups, as I just pulled the bullet points from it.

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The Thoroughly Modern Guide to Breakups
How to end affairs with dignity and minimal distress.
By Elizabeth Svoboda
Published on January 01, 2011 - last reviewed on December 15, 2011

The Clean Dozen: 12 Rules of Better Breakups
No question, breaking up is incredibly difficult because it involves giving, or receiving, bad news that engages our deepest vulnerability—the fear that we are unlovable. Most of us are designed not only to minimize discomfort but to dislike rupturing attachments, priming us for sleights of avoidance in delivering or digesting such deeply threatening information. It takes courage to recognize we have a moral obligation to put aside personal discomfort in approaching someone we cared for and who loved us—especially when means of ducking that responsibility are so readily available. But courage pays dividends in self-respect and accelerated recovery.

Not only do our biology, psychology, and morality influence how we weather breakups, but so do the circumstances of the act. There may be little anyone can do to alter biological responsiveness, but everyone can control the way breaking up is conducted. Here, say the experts, is how to do it so that both parties remain emotionally intact, capable of weathering the inevitable pain and sadness.

1. Take full responsibility for initiating the breakup.
If your feelings or needs have changed, your dreams diverged, or your lives are going in opposite directions, don’t provoke your partner into doing the breakup. Shifting responsibility is not only a weasel tactic that diminishes the doer, says Paul Falzone, CEO of the online dating service eLove, it’s confusing. Adds Russell Friedman, executive director of the California-based Grief Recovery Institute and author of Moving On, “Trying to manipulate your partner into breaking up, like suddenly giving one-word answers in an attempt to make them say, ‘The heck with it,’ creates a sense of real distortion.” The partner may not initially get the message that you want to break up, but “will start to question themselves: ‘Am I not a valuable human being? Am I unattractive?’ ” The target may also question their own instincts and intuition. “You’re setting up the sense that the other person is to blame. You have bypassed their intuition—they can’t trust what they felt, saw, heard in the relationship.” That kind of uncertainty can cripple them in future relationships; they may not be willing to trust a new partner’s devotion or suitability.

2. Do it only face to face.
Humans evolved to communicate face to face, which provides some built-in consolations. We may experience many nonverbal cues that reassure us of our essential lovability—the quick touch on the arm that says you’re still valued even as the relationship ends. Anything less than face-to-face sends a distressing message: “You don’t matter.”

Some dumpers might think that delivering the news by email, text, or even a Facebook statement is less cruel than directly speaking the truth. But remote modes of delivery actually inflict psychic scars on the dumpee that can impede future partnerships. “When you don’t get any explanation, you spend a huge amount of time trying to figure out what’s wrong with you,” says eLove’s Paul Falzone. “And you’ll be hesitant about entering another relationship.”

Being on the receiving end of remote dumping can leave us stuck in emotional limbo, says University of Chicago neuroscientist John Cacioppo. “The pain of losing a meaningful relationship can be especially searing in the absence of direct social contact.” With no definitive closure, we’re left wondering what the heck happened, which can lead to the kind of endless rumination that often leads to depression.

“Situations where you have an incomplete picture of what’s going on are perfect ground for the development of rumination,” says Yale University psychologist Susan Nolen-Hoeksema. “It can send people into a tailspin.” Many dumpees emerge from the tailspin distrustful of others, making it difficult for them to establish closeness with future partners. “When you begin to distrust others, you make less of an investment in them,” adds Bernardo Carducci, professor of psychology at Indiana University Southeast. “So the person you meet next is going to suffer for the sins of a stranger.”

Dumpers themselves may come to regret surrogate sayonaras once they realize how badly their vanishing act hurt their former partners—and how little concern they showed. “Five years on, you don’t want to be ashamed of how you handled this,” says John Portmann, a moral philosopher at the University of Virginia. Guilt and shame encumber future interactions.

3. Act with dignity.
Since a breakup is a potentially explosive scenario, resolve in advance to bite back any insults that are poised to fly out of your mouth. Preserving your partner’s self-respect has the compound effect of salvaging your own.

4. Be honest.
“I’m not in love with you anymore” is actually OK. But honesty need not be a bludgeon, nor does it demand total disclosure. If you secretly think your partner is a complete snooze in bed, you’re probably better off keeping that opinion to yourself. “You have an obligation to watch out for the other person’s self-esteem,” Virginia’s Portmann says. “Do not cut them down in such a way that it’s impossible for them to have another successful relationship. Why rub salt in their wounds? That’s torture.”

“The message to get across is, ‘You’re not what I’m looking for,’” adds Florida State University psychologist Roy Baumeister. “That doesn’t imply that there’s something wrong or deficient about your partner.” It’s simply straightforward.

5. Avoid big, bad clichés like “It’s not you, it’s me.”
Such generic explanations ring false and communicate a lack of respect. You owe your partner a genuine explanation, however brief, of why things aren’t working. One big caveat: If you suspect that your partner might react violently to your decision to end the relationship, don’t stick around to justify your reasoning; safety comes first.

6. Avoid a point-by-point dissection of where things fell apart.
“It’s not a good idea because there’s never going to be agreement,” says Russell Friedman. “I’ll say, ‘This is what happened,’ and you’ll say, ‘No, no.’ ” Prolonged back-and-forth often degenerates into a fight—or worse: If your partner gains the upper hand, he or she may succeed in luring you back into a dysfunctional relationship you’ve decided you want to end.

7. Make it a clean break.
Do not try to cushion the blow by suggesting future friendly meetups. “Saying ‘Let’s be friends’ might be a way for the rejecter to try to handle their own guilt, but it’s not always good for the person being rejected,” Baumeister observes. Such a misguided attempt to spare a partner pain can leave him or her hopeful there might be a chance at future reconciliation, which can hinder the efforts of both parties to move on.

8. Communicate ongoing appreciation of the good times you shared.
In exchanging good-byes, it’s even desirable, says Friedman. It’s equally fine to confide disappointment that the hopes you shared for a future together won’t be realized. Such statements convey a continued belief in your partner’s inherent value.

9. Don’t protest a partner’s decision.
And don’t beg him or her to reconsider later on. The best thing a dumpee can do to speed emotional healing is to accept that the relationship has come to an unequivocal end. In her neuroimaging studies, Helen Fisher found that the withdrawal-like reaction afflicting romantic rejectees diminished with time, indicating that they were well on their way to healing. But the recovery process is fragile, says Fisher, and last-ditch attempts to make contact or win back an ex can scuttle it. “If you suddenly get an email from the person, you can get right into the craving for them again.” To expedite moving on, she recommends abstaining from any kind of contact with the rejecter: “Throw out the cards and letters. Don’t call. And don’t try to be friends.”

10. Don’t demonize your ex-partner.
It’s a waste of your energy. And avoid plotting revenge; it will backfire by making him or her loom ever larger in your thoughts and postpone your recovery.

11. Don’t try to blot out the pain you’re feeling, either.
Short of the death of a loved one, the end of a long-term relationship is one of the most severe emotional blows you’ll ever experience. It’s perfectly normal—in fact, necessary—to spend time grieving the loss. “Love makes you terribly vulnerable,” Portmann says. “If you allow yourself to fall in love, you can get hurt really badly.” The sooner you face the pain, the sooner it passes.

12. Resist thinking you’ve lost your one true soul mate.
Don’t tell yourself you’ve lost the one person you were destined to be with forever, says Baumeister. “There’s something about love that makes you think there’s only one person for you, and there’s a mythology surrounding that. But there’s nothing magical about one person.” In reality, there are plenty of people with whom each of us is potentially compatible. It might be difficult to fathom in the aftermath of a breakup, but chances are you’ll find someone else.

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Do You Have A Perspective?
I'm always looking for people to guest post! Send me your thoughts at DatingManda@gmail.com.

Great Advice #37: Choice

2011-12-22T01:00:00.000-05:00

Thursday - if you are working this week, that'll mean something.

When you don’t have a choice on something, you can still choose you attitude.

Context
Choice, I believe, is a key element of happiness. When people feel they have no choice, they begin to act in strange and often destructive ways. Sometimes part of the challenge in life is discovering where you have choice when you feel as if you might have none.

I feel good about this

Application
With the holidays approaching, so many people are signing and dreading how their, relationships or lack of relationships, is going to be viewed. Plus, you have all the other family drama that can happen. And booze.

It is easy to struggle with mess of emotions and the feeling of having no choice when it comes to holiday happenin's - but that is not true.

The lack of choice to, let's say, attend Aunt Martha's holiday party where your cousins are all married and having babies and you are the butt of "lonely heart" jokes, including by your sibling who landed an awesome job might seem overwhelming - but you still have a choice as to how to respond and what you let get to you.

Even in relationships, or lack of relationships, you might feel as if you are destined to die alone or the best you can do is sub-par to what you need and what. It is true you cannot control another person but you can choose what defines you.

Creating choice can be as simple as choosing how you go through a difficult or easy situation.

Like My Advice?
To catch up on past posts, you can visit my Great Advice Series page which contains a complete list of links to all my Thursday posts.

As always, if you think you have some good advice for me to report on, leave me a comment on this post or email me at DatingManda@gmail.com.

Image Credit
Sign from squidoo.com.

Hacking Relationships

2011-12-21T01:00:00.000-05:00

I am lucky I have a couple tech people in my life who hack their devices to make them work better and canalize machines to build a bigger and better one. They can do this because they know the rules of these devices and pieces; as long as they don't break the rules and continue to support each component as it needs to be, they can create something better.

I wondered if it was possible to come up with quick fixes and Frankenstein methods when dealing with relationships.

OMG, there is! Here is some quick solutions to common situations. Remember, you need to support the component and follow the rules to make sure everything works.

What Do You Want To Do?
When in a relationship, eventually you are going to decide you two should do something. It normally is a conversation that goes like this:

Boy: Do you want to go out?
Me: Sure.
Boy: Where do you want to go?
Me: I don't know. Where do you want to go?
Boy: I don't know. Anywhere you want to.
Me: What are you hungry for? You suggested we go out.
Boy: Whatever. What do you want to do? I want to know what you want.
Me: I want to not have this conversation.

Indecision sucks. I had a friend who would put solutions in a jar and pull one, but, that led to other problems of, "I don't like that place" or "That's too expensive" or "We went there last time." Man, relationships can be whinny. In order to battle indecision you need to have a rule that allows for variables but leads to a true solution while requiring the input of both parties.

The best solution I found (online) is the 5-3-1 Rule. One person names five choices, the other vetoes two of them, and then the first person eliminates the remaining two.

The Art of Teasing
Some good nature bantering is great - but only if it is good natured and appreciated by both. Teasing can quickly turn into bullying and while everyone also says, "Communication is key!" when you feel attacked, humiliated or bullied by someone you care about, it can be hard to say, "When you keep telling everyone that story, it makes me feel dumb and sad."

There is an art to the teasing - let me assure you. If you have some funny story about your mate that might put your mate in a not-so-great light, only tell it three times. Then let it go even if you mate has said nothing about it - then let your mate tell it or ask you to tell it if it was really funny.

If X Than Y
Someone is going to make dinner. Someone needs to clean up. Someone has a party to go to. Someone is going to have to drive. Someone needs to clean the house. Someone needs to weed the garden.

Boy: I made dinner.
Me: That's awesome.
Boy: Can you do the dishes.
Me: No. You made the mess.
Boy: But you ate it, too!
Me: Do I know you?

Ahh, domestic bliss.

When an event has two separate stages, the best thing you can do is to have each person take responsibility of one stage. Preferably the work should be divided on strengths so it feels less like a chore and more fun. I like to dust/vacuum but I hate doing laundry.

If X = dinner, Y = [cooking] + [cleaning]
If X = house cleaning, Y = [dusting] + [laundry]

And so on.

Fortress of Solitude
When you live with someone, or even when you do, it is essential you each maintain a lair of your own. I mean, a space that is off-limits to everyone. Why? Because Superman had one.

Privacy is key in a relationship and gives each person room to breathe and be surrounded by his/her stuff. It's a place your mate can stock with his/her collection of beanie babies or guitar posters or porn. It cannot be questioned or investigated with a specific invitation (and you should probably reject it).

Friend: What if he keeps his phone and computer in that room? How will I know he's cheating? If you trust someone, you shouldn't have to hide stuff.
Me: Just because you love someone, doesn't mean you need your own space. If you think your boyfriend is cheating and the way you deal with it is by hacking his computer or going through his phone behind his back, it's not a good relationship and you are probably not in a good place.
Friend: I think you're wrong.
Me: I think it is very important for everyone to have their one space that is theirs. A place they can go for quiet, a place to think, a place to hide Christmas gifts. It is too easy to lose yourself in a relationship and surrender everything to "the relationship."
Friend: Not everyone has all this room in their apartment or house. Then what?
Me: Obviously, your relationship is doomed and you will never find love and you will die alone in a puddle of your own tears. Or you learn to adapt the rule.

Media and Relationships 7: False Expectations

2011-12-20T01:00:00.000-05:00

Everyone had a great love story - what makes it great is it is shared between two specific people. It's not done for an audience or created in a fantasy constructed world.

However, watching even romantic movies might get you thinking that you need a love story like that.

Expectation vs. Accepting
The media can create perfect worlds in which perfect people do perfect things. When you try to set your life by this standard, you are going to end up getting hurt because no person can live up to the expectation. What's worse, if you expect roses and you get carnations, you are focused on substance rather than the feeling.

You should focus on the feeling. Someone just thought of you, wanted to make you happy and brought you a gift. In what world should that not be enough?

Romantic comedies.

Grieving Expectations
It is important to accept - even let go - of bad or misleading expectations. Sometimes, you have to grieve them like the loss of a loved one. When you tell a guy you like you don't like him and to leave you alone and go away forever, don't be hurt when he does so. Just because a movie once had a star do that and the guy came back and solved all her problems, doesn't mean it is real. Or romantic.

Flip the situation around - when you tell a guy (or girl) "I don't want to be with you" and s/he keeps coming back, it's creepy. It stalkerish. It's not right. Say what you mean, mean what you say and stick to your guns.

Tune In
With all the expectations groups of writers and multi-million dollar budgets can produce, it is important to disconnect from the un-reality of the media and tune into your relationship and the people in your life.

Don't overlook the little things your partner does for you. Don't overlook the casual moments. Learn to tune in and appreciate your mate and what your mate does for you rather than how actor spoke some lines correctly on a well-built set knowing the exact lines that are going to be said back by his/her counterpart.

More Media and Relationships
If you like my thoughts - you can check out my other installments on media and relationships in one location - my Media and Relationships page.

Image Credit
Cartoon from dating.failblog.org.

The Single/Attached Variable

2011-12-19T01:00:00.000-05:00

Why are doing things alone always considered more depressing? To all your non-single people out there (or attached people who like a little piece of solidity now and then) just because we like to do things on our own doesn't mean they are any more or less depressing when you do it with someone else.

Bed is my favorite - even when I'm alone, sucka!

Here is my list of things I have done that have caused my non-single friends to question my emotional stability:

1. Adopted an Animal
When a single person acquired an animal, it's a sign of giving up on relationships and depression which much be fixed. If you have more than one animal, your friends and family might even look at you that way.

When two people in a relationship get an animal, it is a sign of success and it means they are having a baby soon. If they have more than one, it means they each "have" one and they have blended their lives together.

This is how depression looks

2. Get Food/Drink Alone
Alcohol and food are things that must be consumed in pairs or it signals depression. Even if you are drinking at a hotel bar because you are staying overnight. Or just want a quiet place to get some good food - if you are alone, people walk around you as if they are walking on broken glass.

When you go out with someone else, anyone else, regardless of if you like them or not, it's something to be proud of.

Guac, marg, chips - and all for me!

And, yes, I know restaurants and the like are really set up as social things but I don't see why there is tons of pity over someone who choose to visit a favorite spot to get a favorite thing on his/her own.

3. Help an Ex/Different-Sexed-Person
Hanging out or doing something with the opposite sex, the first thing I tend to hear is, "Wait, are you dating? Are you friends? What's up with that?" Well, that's slightly untrue, I normally have to explain the relationship and later probably have to answer, "So, would you guys date? Have you thought about that?"

When a person in a relationship is hanging out with a platonic-same-sex friend, it's completely healthy. Unless it leads to cheating. But, that's different. Platonic friends are a sign of great health, independence and strength as long as you are lustfully attached to another.

We're really just friends

4. Work
As a single person, if I work a lot, I'm considered somewhat of a dried up, career-focused person who is somehow emotionally off. Or I am the one who can always come in because I don't have, you know, "responsibilities." Or I need more work to fill in the void. You know. The void. When you are single and work a lot, people worry that you aren't putting your heart in the right place.

When a person in a relationship works a lot, they are super-awesome providers trying to make a better life for everyone - and they often get perks and they are allow to leave a lot more as a reward for their work.

Morning at the office

Thoughts
I'm just saying. My thoughts here. But, if you know any situations where being single makes it seem depressing and being with someone else makes it a good thing, let me know at DatingManda@gmail.com.

Image Credit
Index card from thisisindexed.com.

Break Time

2011-12-12T01:00:00.000-05:00

Hello my followers. This is going to be a short and simple post.

I need a little break. I believe my adrenal fatigue has slowly gotten the best of me (as you can see from Manda's Century Ride). Since I have been sleeping and napping more, I think it would be good to take a week off from my blog so I can devote my somewhat limited energy into other things.

However, next week, stuff is going to be back on track! Next week being December 19, 2011.

Charlie is helping by teaching me napping skills

If you have questions or comments or complains let me know at DatingManda@gmail.com.

Perspectives: Being Fake

2011-12-09T01:00:00.000-05:00

Let's keep it simple on this Friday! You probably should click the link in the Image Credit section to see it better.

It's Friday.

Image Credit
This is from madatoms.com.

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Do You Have A Perspective?
I'm always looking for people to guest post! Send me your thoughts at DatingManda@gmail.com.

Great Advice #36: Adores Children

2011-12-08T01:00:00.000-05:00

I'm surprised after like 36 of these, I haven't mentioned bacon.

Find a man who adores children.

Context
Someone sent this to me when I threw out some "I need advice/quotes for my blog!" More specifically, I asked about advice about finding the right guy.

I originally totally was like, "Your advice sucks, bone-head!" because I'm not someone who really adores children. I wouldn't think finding a guy who loves children would really be key. Man, did I mentally beat up this advice.

Loves children. Whatever.

What do you know? Why are kids so important? What if you can't have them? Worse, what if you don't want them? Why is everything about kids all the time? I'm a whole human being without having kids? AHH!

Application
Then, it dawned on me as I began screening for potential husbands. The guys who didn't want children (mostly) actually hated children. They were more immature and impulsive and less empathetic and compassionate.

I ate a man once

I also put myself in the "don't like children" camp. I don't hate children, I am not just enthralled with them and think if I never have them, I won't feel bad about it. I also am not a fan of monkeys. I don't want to own one, ever, but I wouldn't want any harm to come to them and if I had to save a monkey I totally would.

The application became so much more important and simple: find a man who is patient with bratty children, who has enough of an inner child to play with them and who believes it is important to defend and protect those that are smaller than he is.

That, my friends, that is key to find in a mate. I might not crave a huge family and a lot of children of my own, but, I will get down on the floor with my cousins and play Thomas the Tank Engine, chase them around and tickle them when I get one and I will be hyper-vigilant around them that they don't hurt themselves or someone else hurts them.

Like My Advice?
To catch up on past posts, you can visit my Great Advice Series page which contains a complete list of links to all my Thursday posts.

As always, if you think you have some good advice for me to report on, leave me a comment on this post or email me at DatingManda@gmail.com.

Image Credit
Hunt's picture from catspictures.net.

Respecting Sexy

2011-12-07T01:00:00.001-05:00

Ever see a woman walking down the street and she is hot. Sexy. Switched on. A cool drink of water on a hot summer's day. Then some person makes some type of comment - maybe even a whistle or "hey sexy!"

Ground Rules
We need some rules for these public, non-social situations. I think it is important to set some ground rules for how to act around attractive women who are dressed perfectly for their bodies.

These rules go for men and women, by the way. If you are a guy, you want to make sure your behavior results in a women continuing to look spiffy. If you are a girl, you don't want to cut down someone in the sisterhood or make yourself seem insecure.

Keep in mind, a woman who dresses overly-sexy and a woman in a nice looking suit should be treated the same. Don't be caught being shallow or annoying. Follow these rules!

Don't Stare
Yes, it is ok to look and appreciate a nice looking woman dressed perfectly. However, it is not alright to stare.

Be respectful!

Staring is awkward and weird not only to the object of your stare but everyone around you. It's the number one reason you are going to drop your coffee or run into a tree. Look, appreciate but don't stare.

Don't Comment
Some women enjoy cat-calls and various comments directed at them as they walk by. Most don't. In fact, it is best to not say anything positive or negative. If she wants you to say something to her, trust me, she will let you know.

Meow

If you try a cat-call, you are not going to get her number. If you say something negative, you aren't going to stop her from looking sexy. Plus, those around you will judge you more than they would judge her.

Don't Assume
Don't assume she is dressing for you, for her boyfriend, her girlfriend, attention or even for herself. Don't assume her profession or where she is going or even what you think she needs.

Don't act like you know

Accept that she is dressed sexy and that is the end of the story. If she wants your number she will let you know. If she wants you to talk to her, she will also let you know. If she wants you to know she is a high-powered business woman or a prostitute, she will let you know. Assume nothing.

Don't Touch
Don't touch. Seriously.

Truly

Do I have to write more? A woman who looks good does not automatically become more (or less) of an object that the lady in overalls next to you. Don't even think about touching her or thinking she owes you something.

Final Thoughts
Don't be that guy (or girl) who tries to put a move on a sexy lady just because she looks nice while walking down the street or walking into your office building. It is far more important to respect sexy than leap all over it. It's not a good look.

Image Credit
Office stare from hellobeautiful.com.
Slapping from girlszone10.blogspot.com
Cat-calls from vivirlatino.com.
Black and white from dalje.com.

Living Together

2011-12-06T01:00:00.000-05:00

Should you live together before marriage or not? If you live together and get married does something change?

Booze!

While never having lived with anyone or been married, I draw on the knowledge of those around me and the Internet. Surprisingly enough, most of what is said about the differences between living-in-sin and marriage are largely myths.

What Changes
What changes when you move in:

Going out: You will go out less. A lot less.
Chores: In your own space, you might not have cared much about cleaning or stocking the fridge. Once you move in, you are going to have to make sure the space makes you mate happy. That means more work than you might have done on your own. Or learning to live with more of a mess than normal.
Budgeting: Once you are living with someone, don't expect to be able to spend money the same way. Just assume your money and your mate's money is both of your businesses.
Decorating: When you had your own pad, your collection of Star Wars posters were just fine. When you try to bring them into your shared living space, you might hit more resistance than you thought.
Family: When you are dating, your mate's family might be there, but, not really there. Once you move in, you will have to deal with those who don't think you should be together, should be married first or should have babies - now! In any event, you have now formed a family unit and you will have more to do with your mate's and your own family.

What Is the Same
Not everything changes when you move in. Trust me. Here are things you can count on:

Arguments: Moving in together will not solve your spats. The same little things that drive you mad about you mate will continue to do so.
Affection: Moving in together will not dull your affections. If you are crazy into your mate, just because you see him/her all the time will not change that. Make sure these feelings are established before you move in else you might find you made a mistake to early in the relationship.
Sex: While most people say there will be less, there might be more or the same amount as before. You have more opportunity to get together and more opportunity to charm your mate into a quickie session before work. Or the news.
Goals: The goals you and your mate have - jobs, family, travel, etc - will not change. Moving in with your mate won't quiet him/her about marriage or having kids or moving to France.

Image Credit

Cartoon from surviving-20something.blogspot.com

Gratitude and Relationships

2011-12-05T01:00:00.000-05:00

He took out the trash. She walked the dog. He did the dishes. She brought in the mail. He picked up some flowers. She said he looked handsome.

Falling into a pattern of chores and actions is totally normal in a relationship. Even when you are dating and getting to know someone, there are plenty of little and big things each party does either because it is asked for or just-because.

The important thing to keep in mind at any stage is continual gratitude. The rather simple action of telling someone "thanks" can carry a relationship through extremely tough times and build stronger bonds. Additionally, it will influence behaviors - and while you can't change you mate, you can sort of change your mate (see my Changing Your Mate for details).

The Basics of Giving Thanks
Showing gratitude to your mate or date is a key component of relationship support and maintenance.

Oo. Notes

When you are going out on dates with someone you are interested in (or even not, because it is politie) be sure to thank him/her. This includes:

If you meet your date - thank him/her for taking the time to get to know you.
If your date pays for dinner - thanks him/her for the generosity.
If your date holds doors/pulls out chairs - thank him/her for making things easier.
If your date brings you a little something - thank him/her for the thoughtfulness.
If your date teaches you something - thank him/her for taking the time.

When you have secured a relationship, don't let the gratitude die with the butterflies because it helps the relationship grow stronger and provide more for both individuals. Make sure you thank your mate for routine things s/he does as well as when s/he does something extra special.

Remember, it's no one's job to be in a relationship, it is a labor of love! Make sure you take note.

You might need to come up with ways to tell your mate you appreciate him/her, these can include:

Food - make it, buy it. Food.
Leave notes of thanks.
Hugs and kisses.
Send ecards/texts.
Get sexy for him/her for no real reason.
Doing extra chores when you can to your mate doesn't have to.

The Basics of Getting Thanks
Gratitude is a two way street and it doesn't work so well when the other people doesn't understand that they are being thanked or doesn't get thanks.

If you find you are not being shown any gratitude for what you do for your mate evaluate your behavior first before anything. It might be you are not being thanked for flooding your mate's inbox with messages and calling him/her about every funny thing or trying out bizarre recopies for dinner because your mate doesn't actually like these things.

Next, you want to make sure you are not missing your mate's thanks. Maybe your mate just got a new responsibility (personal or professional) and doesn't have the time to make large, sweeping romantic gestures (or dirty ones, for that matter). However, maybe you mate has been saying, "I'm glad your here to help me through this." or maybe changed the oil in your car. It might not be what you perceived as getting thanks, but, it might be how your mate is trying to show you s/he cares.

Finally, ask for what you need and want. If you find yourself bending over backwards and doing more and more and feeling like you are getting less and less, make it known to your mate that you are trying to show your love and affection but you feel shut out, shut down or ignored.

Image Credit
Thank you from fearlesscompetitor.com.

Manda's Century: Intervals

2011-12-04T01:00:00.000-05:00

There was no biking this week - it was a choice. I was really struggling with breathing and I figured a week off from biking would be good. I also was falling asleep around 8pm every night. Normally signs I need to take a break.

So I decided to start intervals.

Wednesday
I popped out into my backyard on Wednesday and debating turning on RunKeeper to track. I ended up not tracking, but, I think I will in the future.

I had a buddy with me which made it a little less weird and a little more fun. We decided on doing 4 sets of 20/10. Which ended up being more like 20/20. That's 20 seconds of a dead sprint followed by 20 seconds of rest. After about the second cycle I think I was about to fall over.

The pain in my chest was pretty amazing. It is a good spot back in the day. It feels like someone is cutting along your sternum with a hot knife while an elephant is sitting on you.

I did the four cycles and felt pumped.

Then I wanted to die for the next three days. I mean, my obliques hurt. My obliques!

Saturday
I woke up feeling less stiff. I would normally go biking, but, I was taking the week off.

I went back out and did another four cycles - the back of my legs hurt a lot by the second cycle. I still feel pressure on my chest.

I did keep more honest track of my time and my cycle was about 20/20 or 20/15. However, it went better than the first time which filled me with hope. I also felt a little bad at how short it took. Hmm. I got over it when I was back on my couch.

Lessons Learned
Not sure about the whole High-Intensity Interval Training (HIIT) but I think I have some time to figure out how it works and what it does to the body. I know I am nowhere near actually following the program so I have plenty of room to improve.

I am slightly concerned about my fatigue and then worried about losing whatever shape I have while trying to overcome the fatigue.

I am more concerned about the chest pain/weight/breathing stuff. I'm trying not to dwell on it as my year clear date approaches.

Manda's Century
You can follow my biking adventures by checking out my Manda's Century Ride page. It lists (in convenient bullet form) the lessons I have learned and has links to each of my biking related posts.

Not dating related, you say? Well, if you haven't noticed, dating has been slim-to-none - leaning toward none - so that this as awesome filler.

Perspectives: Psychotic Relationship Advice from Cosmo

2011-12-02T01:00:00.000-05:00

I like a good Cracked.com article and this was pretty funny - and that's all it takes!

I also think Cosmo is the Bible of relationship problems. Everything is about sex, sometimes weird sex, and often not even good advice. It also breeds insecurity. Anyhow, here are the top three from the article.

You can view the original here - 7 Psychotic Pieces of Relationship Advice from Cosmo

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Psychotic Pieces of Relationship Advice from Cosmo
By Dennis Hong, Katherine Smith
April 06, 2011

We get it. Guys are tough to figure out: There's like 24 possible combinations that you can make with 1) beer 2) food 3) sex and 4) sports. No wonder their girlfriends have to resort to lady magazines to gain insight into the buzzing hive that is the male mind. We know most women laugh that stuff off as cheap entertainment not to be taken seriously, but what if they actually did listen to all of the advice?

It'd pretty much turn into a nightmare of paranoia and petty revenge. After all, according to various Cosmo articles...

#3.If He's Overly Protective of His Gadgets, He's Hiding Something

Look, our man here trusts his girlfriend and all, but lately she's been doing some odd stuff, like poisoning him and crushing his testicles. Maybe giving out personal passwords so readily just isn't a good idea. It's nothing personal. It's just not a smart thing to do. She'll understand, right? Surely ... surely Cosmo won't try to have you killed for exercising this very basic right to human privacy? P-please?

Nice try.

"The main way that trysts are found out is through the discovery of incriminating e-mails, IM chats, cell phone texts or bills,' says Belisa Vranich, PsyD, a clinical psychologist in New York City. So if he's being unfaithful, he may guard his gadgets or act really defensive when you innocently touch his phone or computer. It should be a giant red flag if he readily gave you passwords in the past, and now he's more evasive."

He didn't feel it was her business to have complete, unrestricted access to his business email. There is literally no possible reason for that kind of mistrust; what has she done in the past to give him reason to doubt her? Was it the Sharpie mustache that may have gotten him fired? "Why aren't you over that? Who keeps bringing it up? Sarah? Is it that vacuum-hearted bitch from space, Sarah? IS IT?!"

What kind of consequences he can expect? Naturally, Cosmo's revenge list has the perfect answer for this particular transgression:

Well, so much for being overly protective of his gadgets. Just give her the goddamn passwords! That's what love is all about, you know: blind, mostly fear-based trust.

#2. If He's Happy, He's Cheating
Man, how did an uptight guy like him ever land a cool chick like her? He's always fretting over everyday things, but he'd better do something about that, before the stress tears them apart. So, he promises himself that, from now on, he's not gonna let the trivial things bother him. Not the theft, or the attempted murder, or even the genital mutilation. It's time to just let the small things slide.

.. aaand he's cheating on her again. Cosmo:

"If he was short-tempered before, a combination of added sex and attention could be making him way more relaxed, even downright giddy,' Vranich says. Adds Mira Kirshenbaum, author of When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts and Minds of People in Two Relationships: 'If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why."

That's right. If, after all of the horrible things Cosmo has demanded she do to him, he is still capable of smiling at anything, it must be because he's getting some random sex and attention on the side.

What kind of consequences he can expect:

So he's not gonna sweat the small stuff, huh? Here's how his girlfriend might decide to test that, care of Cosmo:

"Invite your friends to a backyard bonfire using his clothes and prized sports equipment as kindling."

Yes, wanton property damage and mild arson is the only fair punishment for a man's newfound pep.

That's right, you cheating pool of hateful filth. That's what you get for letting the little things go: having to let all of your big things go also. Got a smile on your face now? No? Good! Look how faithful you're being. You're really learning, aren't you?

#1. If His Friends Don't Talk to You, He Doesn't Love You
Our hypothetical man, assuming he's still alive at this point, really appreciates that his best friend is so cool with the girlfriend tagging along on guys' night out. Our guy tried to go out on his own, at first, but she threw away his dog and crashed his car into the house repeatedly until he invited her to come with. The best friend is really being great about it, too; he even says hello and engages in friendly small talk with her.

According to Cosmo, that could be a sign that the guy is no longer in love wit-

What? No! He didn't even do anything this time! It's all his friend! Please, Cosmo!

Ahem. The friend's behavior could be a sign that he's no longer in love with her:

"Even though a player's bros may be friendly enough, they probably won't ask you many personal questions about your job, interests, etc. The ugly truth: They don't want to invest time and energy getting to know you because they figure you're not going to be around very long."

Yup. The fact that his buddy doesn't take the time to ask her personal questions (you know, stuff like, "What are your hopes and dreams for a brighter tomorrow?" ... or maybe, "How do you think we can simultaneously solve the oft-conflicting problems of world hunger and depleted rain forests?") is clearly a sign that the relationship is doomed.

What kind of consequences he can expect:

Here's another appropriate item from Cosmo's revenge list:

"You know his best friend -- the guy he can't live without? Show up at his apartment wearing only a trench coat."

See, there you go. Your best friend wouldn't talk to her, which is clearly your fault, so now she's going to sexually destroy every meaningful relationship in your life. But on the upside, at least Cosmo's avatar of destruction on Earth has shifted its attention from you and focused the white hot laser of its wrath on your best friend instead. Now you're free! Sure, you're a broken, unemployed, impotent and psychologically ruined human being with no ties -- material or personal -- to the world at large. But hey, you're a perfect candidate for both homelessness and cultism ... things are looking up!

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Do You Have A Perspective?
I'm always looking for people to guest post! Send me your thoughts at DatingManda@gmail.com.

Great Advice #35: Broken

2011-12-01T01:00:00.000-05:00

Hey Thursday, how are you doing?

Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

Context
This quote is by Stephen Hunt from a book called "The Court of the Air." He even has his own website. He seems like a pretty cool dude - writing books about steampunk, inventing Flintlock Fantasy and pioneering online content type things. JK Rowling's got nothing on him.

I'm smarter than you

Also, I like steampunk and neo-victorian and Edwardian jewelry and neo-gothic architecture. I also really like rubberbands and string.

Application
I think there comes a point in relationships when that little voice tells you to get out when another voice is saying, "Hey, s/he made dinner tonight. Awesome! S/he really does care!" or you had one really good day with this person in a long time and you try to support the whole relationship on this one day.

Relationship have rough patches and even the worst situations, worst relationships and in the worst friendships still moments of helpfulness, playfulness and fulfillment. These couple good moments is not enough to sustain a relationship. If you think about it, abusers hit and degrade their mates and then try to make up for it with affection - but you should never stay with an abuser even if s/he buys you diamonds.

A person doesn't have to be mentally or physically abusing you and then trying to make up for it for you to need to get out of a relationship.

Just, don't bank on a couple good moments to stick it out with someone when the bulk of everything is bad. Know when the clock is broken.

Like My Advice?

To catch up on past posts, you can visit my Great Advice Series page which contains a complete list of links to all my Thursday posts.

As always, if you think you have some good advice for me to report on, leave me a comment on this post or email me at DatingManda@gmail.com.

Image Credit
Hunt's picture from www.sfx.co.uk.

Prepare to Date: The Somewhat-Easy Steps

2011-11-30T01:00:00.001-05:00

I sometime mention you have to be basically emotionally stable and happy in order to date. I know this isn't a requirement because, well, mm - hey, look over there ---->

Part of dating is luck and you can be in almost any state in your life and find someone - sometimes it's just luck. Sometimes you have to work at it. Sometimes, you just buy a cat.

Charlie says: Dating is for loosers, kitties are for winner!

However, you can greatly increase your success, overall happiness and luck by doing a little work on yourself to be a stable, happy person before you welcome someone else into your life.

Negative Thinking
Life can be hard, get a helmet. Maybe glue something fun to it. I even wrote a more specific post on Heartbreak which might be good to review. Heartbreaks are something you need to have laid to rest before you get back into the dating word.

No negs!

Negative thoughts and phrases you say to yourself or let others tell you are (a) not healthy, (b) counterproductive. Yes, sometimes you meet a jerk and sometimes you are wrong - you need to let go of these things in a timely fashion if you are every going to attractive a good person into your life.

The main problem with negative thinking is it snowballs from one bad situation into a major life-defining thing. Here is how it works:

That was a bad date.
All guy/girl are jerks.
This new guy/girl is probably a jerk.
My friend said guys/girls lie all the time.
I bet this guy/girl didn't return my call within an hour because s/he is a liar.
My friend said s/he is ugly in this picture.
Why am I on this date with another loser?
Gawd! This loser probably is lying about everything, too.
There's no point.

That second date might have been the guy/girl of your dreams who happens to be a little nervous - and now, you are stuck in a cycle of negative thinking.

Comparing and Contrasting
Stop comparing yourself to someone else or a relationship that you only see from the outside. It's not fair to anyone!

Mm. Fruit

Stop comparing the worst of yourself to the best of someone else - you will always come up short.

Relationships: You can easily look at a friend who has everything you want in a relationship and get down on yourself for not having that. Everyone has problems and troubles and no relationship is perfect. You do not see the fights, the distance or the work that goes into these relationships.
Profiles: When you see someone's profile, it is as if they are putting his/her best foot forward - all spiffy and sparkling. S/he has flaws, I assure you. Just because I wrote in my profile I go biking and want to ride 100 miles in a day doesn't mean I am super-athletic or I don't have my down times (see Manda's Century Ride for details). Don't let self-doubt rule your dating choices - take a chance and don't get bummed.

Time
I wrote an article called Dating is a Job where I outlined the time commitment it takes to really date. Not how long it takes to get to know someone, but, the time you are going to need to put into finding and dating someone to ultimately get what you want.

Busy

You need to carve out time for dating before you start dating. If you are too busy to date, don't date. If you really want to find someone special, you need to ease up on your commitments and obligations. Look at dating as a fun part-time job. Make sure you have availability so you aren't always saying, "Can't do anything this week!" or "I need to cancel, something came up, again!"

Get Out There (Comfort Zone Challenge!)
To be ready to date, you need to get out there. If you are single and haven't found anyone with how you currently live, you are going to have to try something else. You can't just say you are ready to date and then go to work for 40-50 hours a week, come home to your couch and say you are lonely. You need to try new things, get into new environments where single people are who also want to date.

Too close! TOO CLOSE!

Church? Gyms? Ok, these can work, but, what your really need is some cocktail hours, some singles-only day trips, some adventures! Start making good ol' fashion face-to-face connections with everyone. Even if you don't find someone, you will have something interesting to talk about and probably will have some fun.

Even if you are introverted or shy, trying to make a small connection with someone next to you in line (That's a nice scarf/I love your boots/Did you like that book you are holding?/Are the lattes here good?) will help get you over your anxiety when you do meet the right person.

If you can't seem to find people on a face-to-face basis, try online dating or even a matchmaker service. Some people are hesitant to do this, but, that's the comfort zone challenge. Shake it up!

Image Credit
No negs from santocosta.wordpress.com.
Comparing sucks from ehow.com.
Calender stuff from rainforestnet.com.
Comfort zone from stumbleforward.com.

Dating, Sex and Health: HPV

2011-11-29T01:00:00.000-05:00

I have written a couple articles on sex - including Sex Prep and Dating, Sex and Health: Gonorrhea - so, here is another one on everyone's favorite the Human Papillomavirus (HPV).

HPV has been making some headlines these days - mostly for women. HPV has been show to lead to cervical cancer in women and there is a vaccine that young girls are encouraged to get. It's not really about if they are sexual active or not because, even if a woman has one partner her entire life, there is still a chance she can get it.

Beyond that, HPV can be spread and attack almost anywhere meaning men/women who believe oral or anal sex is safer are dead wrong. You can still get HPV and other Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs).

Things you should know

The Overall Good News
HPV can exist quite happily anywhere without a hint of symptoms. Many people have HPV and never know. Some even can kick it - in fact about 90% of cases resolve on their on in about 2 years.

Women who are sexually activity and go to the gynecologist on the regular are screened but there is still no treatment for it - just a general "be careful, get screened" order.

There is a vaccine that can be administered to younger children than help prevents many forms of HPV.

The Bad News
There are over 100 strains of HPV and some can cause cancer almost any area.

There are 40 strains of HPV that can affect the anal and genital tracts and these are further divided into low risk and high risk strains. Thirteen strains are considered high risk, or more likely to progress to high grade lesions (HSIL, CIN 2 or 3) and possibly cancer, if not cleared by the immune system. These strains are: 16, 18, 31, 33, 35, 39, 45, 51, 52, 56, 58, 59, and 68. Strains 16 and 18 are by far the most common types, and one or both are present in approximately 70% of cervical cancers worldwide.

HPV is so common that at least 50% of sexually active people get it. It also can lead to other things:

Genital warts: About 1% of sexually active adults in the U.S. have genital warts at any one time.
Cervical cancer. About 12,000 women get cervical cancer in the U.S.

Other cancers that can be caused by HPV are less common than cervical cancer. Each year in the U.S., there are about:

1,500 women who get HPV-associated vulvar cancer
500 women who get HPV-associated vaginal cancer
400 men who get HPV-associated penile cancer
2,700 women and 1,500 men who get HPV-associated anal cancer
1,500 women and 5,600 men who get HPV-associated oropharyngeal cancers (cancers of the back of throat including base of tongue and tonsils) [Note: Many of these cancers may also be related to tobacco and alcohol use.]

Certain populations are at higher risk for some HPV-related health problems. This includes gay and bisexual men, and people with weak immune systems (including those who have HIV/AIDS).

Men and HPV
Most of the focus on HPV is around women and cervical cancer. However, it's more than that. HPV can be spread through oral, anal and vaginal sex and effect men in all the same areas. It can lead to cancer in the mouth/throat, penis and rectum.

"HPV is replacing alcohol and smoking as the leading cause of oropharyngeal cancer," says Ted Teknos, M.D., a professor of medicine in the head and neck oncology program at Ohio State University's comprehensive cancer center. HPV fuels cancerous growth in a man's mouth much as it does in a woman's cervix: by integrating into his DNA and hindering the function of proteins that are supposed to reduce cellular stress and suppress tumors.

Keep in mind, while women can be screened for HPV, there is no test to see if men are carries.

In October 2011, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommended that all boys ages 11 to 21 receive the vaccine. The recommendation should pave the way for insurance companies to begin covering the vaccine, which costs around $500.

Conclusions
If you happen to have kids, get them vaccinated for HPV. As much as parents do not want to think about little Janey or Johnny having sex, it will probably happen and there is a good chance there will be exposure and if Janey or Johnny has more than one parent, s/he will pass HPV on to someone else.

If you are an adult - make sure you get yourself checked out for these sorts of things so you know what you got going on and can prepare better to protect yourself and others.

Always use protection. I know a lot of my friends ignore the "[birth control pill] does not protect against STDs or STIs" and believe pregnancy is the worst thing that can happen. Just because you can't get pregnant doesn't mean you can't pick up some nasty infections - so use protection until your mate gets screened.

Sources
The New Sex Cancer.
Wiki: HPV vaccine
Over 100 Strains Of HPV - No Cure

Media and Relationships 6: Hollywood-Typical Women

2011-11-28T01:00:00.001-05:00

I want to dispel some myths. Not really with science, more just with common sense and my 31 years of living. I like to think I am pretty observant and that I can be pretty objective - so I think I am an expert.

Grain of salt, people!

I spend a lot of time on my couch watching movies that show up on basic cable in-between watching stuff like Homicide Hunter and Cell Block 6. I enjoy a good comedy, believe it or not, or even a romance but I have been turned off by a lot of them because they are somewhat slanted in their approach to how women behave.

Sure, some characters must be the "bad guy" and some are quirky and illogical because that's the character and they are true to it - but the general problems women have in, especially, romantic comedies are really, really dumb.

I didn't come primed with this opinion on my own; I read an article about it many years ago where the author wrote how in the "old days" romantic comedies would be about a woman who had her life together and was happy and then was turned around when love walked in - thusly making it funny. Today's romantic comedies are more about a woman who doesn't have her life together, can't get it together and needs to be rescued by a man to cure her of her problems.

I think it's actually pretty true. And sad.

Here is pretty much every unrealistic guideline female characters are built on.

Appearance
When was the last time a female character was happy with her appearance and weight? A common trait of all women in the movies is how they are actually beautiful but they need to be portrayed as ugly.

What's ugly?

I can't think of one. If a female character is going to say something about her appearance, it will be negative when actually she is probably pretty cute.

Aggression
Every woman should know how to fight and defend herself both verbally and physically - but how many movies need to have women pretending to brutish men?

Why are women over-the-top bitchy to each other and other characters? I don't mean this in a "when a man does it, he's called strong but when a woman does it, she's a bitch" way - I mean women bullying, attacking and bringing down harmless men/women characters for no reason other than to prove they are a force to be reckoned with.

Most of the time, in a romantic comedy, the guy character politely or neutrally approaches the woman and she rips him a new one. I don't know how the two characters got together in Diary of a Mad Black Woman - Helen is a totally unexcusable wreck around Orlando, yet he let's her act this way and sticks around to eventually marry her.

Cursed you, threw a bev at you, ran out on you. . .

Orlando must have a lot of issues because no man will allow anyone to abuse him and then say, "Well, I think she's really special!"

Aggression isn't just directed at men - women are often shown as hating each other and their battles are accepted as common. I can say, I never had a catty fight with another woman in my life - even when she was talking to my man at a party. I don't see other women are competitors and I would gladly stick up and help anyone in the sisterhood rather than make-out with some guy.

Suck-cess
Women who have "made it" into the corporate world and hold down a good job tend to have one of two issues:

Neurotic: No one is sure how she can keep her job with all the talking with her assistant or crazy mess-ups or how she has to last minute save everything and yet has time for long chatty lunches. She seems to work hard but is never effective and is always overlooked and talked down to.
Punished: She cannot balance her life and her job. Her kids don't know who she is, her husband doesn't know her and while she can be a executive with ease, she can't figure out how to remember her kid's birthday. Oh, and her husband is probably cheating on her.

Silly women

Success is more of a facade in movies. Women are ultimately shown as smart enough to land that job in public relations (aren't all movie-jobs for women advertising/public relations based?) but not smart enough to balance anything. The job is given to these characters so they can buy expensive things and go to grande corporate balls - otherwise, they are completely incapable.

Shoppers
Sort of playing on that last one - women in movies love to shop. They are hardcore consumers or will be turned into one to find that Mr. Right.

FASHION FASHION FASHION! Really? All women? All the time?

This is the dream?

I hate shopping. I like getting items I need and pretty things for a reason but I can't say I have any friends who buy bags and bags of clothes every week and have to have walk-in closets in order to keep their marriage together.

The idea that women are so consumed by the material is a little off. Women want the big diamond. The fancy restaurant. The nice clothes. And women who start off not into this stuff are immediately seduced by it.

More Media and Relationships
If you like my thoughts - you can check out my other installments on media and relationships in one location - my Media and Relationships page.

Image Credits
Betty from cheezburger.com.
Diary shot from adrianwarnock.com.
Shopping from blog.thephoenix.com.
Work/Life from organizationalpositivity.com.

Manda's Century: Now Turkey Fueled

2011-11-27T17:48:00.000-05:00

First, let's just have a moment to check out my little life helper - Charlie.

What are you doing? Why doesn't it involve me?

Ok, he's no help.

I have been dealing with some stress, so, it was a nice reminder to pay attention to my body and cortisol levels. Low levels are no fun. Adrenal fatigue is no fun.

I can report that the pain/twitching in my feet is almost completely gone. I seem to be able to move, stretch or step in certain ways that cause pain or spasms, but, I think the vitamin regime has made a difference. I try to stretch my feet, but, I'm out of other things to do with them. I also changed to my running sneakers which are a size larger maybe than my Sketcher sneakers I normally ride with. I think maybe my feet could have been smooshed.

Monday
First ride of the week was an experiment in interval training. I wanted to do 6 cycles of riding as fast as I could for 60 seconds, then resting for 75 per this informative info-graphic I found called the Complete Guide to Interval Training.

Zoom-ish

It took me a little while to find the perfect stretch of ground and I couldn't really get a stopwatch thing to work on my phone with ease in the dark. I ended up speeding around and having to stop to go around a turn or when I came to a car-filled intersection. I ended up doing about 6 cycles of going as fast as I could for about 20-30 seconds and then resting while I rode back to the same spot to start over again.

However, I do like the interval thing. I felt pretty good, pretty jazzed and it only took, well, about 20 minutes.

I think I found a good spot to ride. I also toyed with the idea of running, but, my feet-pain issues have been holding me back from trying - even if I can run in a field and not on the street.

Thursday

I crawled out of bed on Thursday - because I could just sleep all day. Normally, this wouldn't have been a big deal if it was a normal day off, but, it was Thanksgiving and I had to be at the Estate House (that's what I call my parent's house) at around 10:30am or so. (I did write an awesome post called Happy Thanksgiving).

I like to arrive early to help. .and get my pre-eating on without competition.

Turkey ride!

This ride ended at about the time I felt my eye lids close. Yep, low cortisol means that right in the middle of whatever you are doing your eyes close. And sometimes you dry heave. Both are signs for me to head back home. However, it was a lovely day to be out with all the other pre-feasting walkers/runners. I even spyed a family getting pumped for a football game in the park.

Saturday
I got together with my bike buddy for a Saturday ride around our area - not the bike trail we normally do. I wasn't feeling too strong when we planned this and I didn't want to be too far from home.

I will say, I was going to lock Charlie out of my bedroom because he had been meowing and loving on me at all hours of the night and not letting me sleep. I, actually, told him about this and he didn't even come into my room between 10pm Friday and 7am Saturday. I slept like the dead and felt much better about life.

Building up

My bike-buddy and I had our first crash-ish. There was some type of fun-run 5k going on our local trail with the runners turning around at some random point on the trail. I was riding in front and stopped short without warning when I saw a mother-daughter about to cross right in front of me as they turned to head back with the other runners. My bike-buddy crashed into the back of me (I have a bruise where her handle went) and she strained her ankle when trying to yank her feel from her clips.

We rode a bit, checked ourselves and reviewed how it wasn't the best situation then took to the rode. It was a beautiful day and I was happy we almost did 10 miles.

Keep in mind, I ate about two Thanksgiving meals between actual Thanksgiving and all the food I carted to my friend's house where we played Mystery Case Files: Escape From Ravenhearst for 8 hours straight until we beat it.

Winning!!

This is a tradition we have and this is the 8th installment of the Mystery Case Files series. Love it. Only 364 days until the next one.

Sunday
When I bike-buddy and I finished up on Saturday, we both got a text from my bike-buddy's cousin and my friend from high school about going for a ride. We decided we could all go out on Sunday. I had my thoughts about a back-to-back ride, but. . .what the hey-who! Honey badger don't care.

Getting there

We brought another friend along, Melissa, who hadn't been out for a while which was fun! Of course, at about the 11th mile, I started having trouble breathing and I felt my eyes getting heavy. The fatigue was winning. I told everyone I needed to turn around and everyone came back with me. Even Melissa thought it was a good idea.

It was still a great ride and one the final warmish days.

Two out of three bikers have horseface!

Lessons Learned
From my little accident on Saturday, I know I have to work on being more vocal and probably better on reaction time for things.

I need to glue my helmet mirror on - it's tapped on now - because I keep having to adjust every time I drop my helmet or it falls. It's annoying

Charlie is a great napping companion.

He likes a cuddle

Manda's Century
You can follow my biking adventures by checking out my Manda's Century Ride page. It lists (in convenient bullet form) the lessons I have learned and has links to each of my biking related posts.

Not dating related, you say? Well, if you haven't noticed, dating has been slim-to-none - leaning toward none - so that this as awesome filler.

Perspectives: Why Do We Talk Differently?

2011-11-25T01:00:00.000-05:00

I found this article at Salon.com and, as you can see, thought it was worth posting. I'm not sure I 100% agree with the gender divisions of talking - I talk to different people in different ways and different people talk to me differently. I think I try to find the best way to ~~show I am always right~~ get my point across if it means being in competition or finding common ground. I don't think we are slaves to biology or sex in our current day and age, we can make choices.

However, I thought this was a pretty interesting read and brought up a lot of points I hadn't thought of.

Anyhow, take a gander!

This was written by Thomas Rogers. He is Salon’s Deputy Arts Editor. He previously worked at Men’s Vogue, and his reporting has appeared in the Village Voice and City Limits, among other publications. He currently lives in Brooklyn, N.Y.

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Why Do Men and Women Talk Differently?
A new book argues that guys argue and girls overshare for a reason: Evolution. The author explains!

By Thomas Rogers
Published: October 16th, 2011

Over the past few decades, linguists have shown that, when it comes to speech, many gender stereotypes hold remarkably true: Men tend to speak loudly, while women whisper; men talk over each other, while women conspire behind each other’s backs; men hold back their feelings, while women lay them out to strangers they meet on the subway. According to some critics, these differences are merely a reflection of our cultural presuppositions about gender. But, according to a new book, there’s a far simpler reason for these linguistic differences: biology.

In “Duels and Duets,” John L. Locke, a professor of linguistics at Lehman College and the author of “Eavesdropping: An Intimate History,” argues that men and women have radically different ways of speaking not because of their upbringing, but because they have radically different evolutionary needs. Men, he argues, use antagonistic speech, or “duels,” to show off their strength and prove themselves to women. Women, meanwhile, use quieter speech patterns to bond with each other — and help protect themselves against aggressive men. And, according to Locke, this is a pattern that has been going on for thousands and thousands of years.

Salon spoke with Locke over the phone about sexual stereotypes, the “Real Housewives” franchise and the future of speech in the digital age.

So what are the differences between male and female speech?

Women are likely to look for common ground when they are talking with other women and tend to produce overlapping remarks in conversations. Those were initially misdiagnosed as interruptions, but it turns out that women tend to like to help each other tell stories — some people have called it coauthoring. They tend to have a rather animated and lively way of talking, with very pronounced variations in vocal pitch and much more exchange of emotion in speech. The connective tissue in women’s groups is the divulging of personal and sometimes intimate information about the life and the relationships of the speaker and other people. That’s a trademark of the way women talk with female friends.

The word “gossip” has a pejorative sound to it, but with it, women are, in a sense, servicing the moral code of the community. One study of gossip showed that gossipers were concerned about women who are bad housekeepers, and women who are bad mothers, and women who are promiscuous. Those things are all threats to each woman in a community; therefore they have every good reason to want to talk about those things. But men speak very differently from women.

Yes, you argue that men are constantly sniping at each other in tiny ways. You call this “dueling.”

There are a number of criteria: It’s symbolic, playful, stylized. In its purest form, it looks quite a lot like a performance. But the disposition to duel sort of seeps into everyday speech too — like if two guys, for example, come up to each other, and one of them says, “Hey, you old son of a bitch. How the hell are ya?” and maybe insults him a little bit about his bulging midriff, or his thinning hair, or some weird shirt that he is wearing.

Women would simply never, never, never do that. They might later privately tell someone, “Hasn’t she aged terribly?” They would never say to her face, “Well, look at the wrinkles on your face” or, “My God! I’ve never seen bulging breasts like those before,” and so forth.

At one point you use the term “verbal plumage,” to describe this dueling dynamic, because it’s partly meant to seduce women.

Both men and women need to know if men are dominant or subordinate. Men need to know because they are very hierarchical in their organization. Women also need to know that, too, because dominant men, or high-status men, have unusually good access to everything women want. It’s recently been discovered that a very rich repository of information is carried by the speaking voice of individual men, and women are particularly good at picking this up.

Women love to hear men who have low speaking voices, because it’s correlated with testosterone levels, and those men tend to be more assertive. I don’t think women want men that are aggressive, but they want men that’ll stick up for themselves and bring home the bacon. They especially love a low voice when they’re at the portion of their menstrual cycle when their estrogen is highest.

I've actually read somewhere that men who speak in a monotone are also more attractive to women than men who don’t.

By using unusual words or rare words or words in a creative way, men can give everyone, including women, the impression they’re intelligent. If you ask women what they want in a long-term mate they list intelligence at the top of the list, and one of the best ways for them to see if that man is smart is to listen to him talk. It’s almost like a folk IQ test. Words used in a clever way are almost like the colorful feathers of a peacock - a display of what biologists would call fitness information that relates to their ability to reproduce.

So what’s the biological explanation for the low-key, cooperative form of speaking to ascribe to women - or “dueting,” as you call it?

If you are smaller, and less powerful, and weakened or compromised by pregnancy or infant-care responsibilities, then you do not want to portray yourself as a strong autonomous individual that is going to individually fight off anybody who proposes problems. Even in the other primates, where there is a female-male size disparity, females don’t confront males individually, but a group of females will chase males away. Primates also use reciprocal grooming as a favor and a form of respect. I don’t say that intimate disclosures by women are equivalent to manual grooming in the primates, but in a sense they’re similar.

When women are dueting and trading in intimate disclosures about themselves and their friends, they’re fortifying a relationship. If you disclose secrets, they could harm you if they’re distributed, especially to foes or rivals. So dueting tends to be reciprocal. If one woman tells a friend about her worries or fears or intimate life, then the woman knows she needs to reply in kind.

Isn't this projecting modern, stereotypical gender roles onto people?

This is about sex. It’s not about gender.

We’ve seen that girls who have a larger than normal amount of testosterone are more likely to be aggressive. Well, that’s not because they’re treated in such a way as to make them aggressive, and it’s not because their parents are more aggressive than other parents. It’s because they have something within them that is making them aggressive. We all know about boys that grow up in fatherless homes. That’s a large percentage of young people nowadays. We don’t identify them by the fact that they talk like girls. In fact, they tend to be more strongly masculine than the little boys that have a father.

It’s been about 6 million years since humans broke off from the other primates, and males are still far more aggressive than the females. Six million years is a long time for something to stay in a species if it’s not being sustained by anything. In other words, these differences are not purely arbitrary.

I feel like I’m always seeing women getting into arguments. Two days ago, I saw two older women screaming and swinging canes at each other on the subway. The entire “Real Housewives” franchise seems predicated on this kind of fighting. Isn’t that dueling?

I don’t watch that program, but when you said “screaming,” that’s a real clue. When women do that, they are almost invariably angry. And there is a reason. If a woman has done something to cause another woman anger or hurt, she’ll scream or yell at them stridently. It’s a targeted form of opposition that’s designed to cause that individual to back off or to change their behavior in some ways. Anthropologists call it conflict talk. But dueling is done between friends, using insults in a joking or ritualistic way - in the same way that two dogs will bite the other as a form of playing.

This is a critical difference, because men are trying to accomplish what their ancestors would have done by direct fighting - only without bloodshed. Humor is critical to this. You could argue that one of the reasons humor evolved is to keep men from becoming violent.

You say we should embrace the differences in the ways we talk. Why?

We are the way we are. It’s not to say we can’t change, or can’t be more respectful of others, or that we can’t harmonize our interests in others. But I don’t see the point in telling everyone their natural dispositions make them a bad person. I think that men and women need to learn to get along, I think the best way to do that is to start by recognizing the ways we naturally differ.

As you point out in the book, one of the places these speech differences come to a head is in romantic relationships. But what about gay relationships? I think that I’m actually both a dueter and dueler — depending on the context.

That’s certainly an area to be looked at. I don’t think testosterone is the only variable necessarily, and I also noticed that in my own life, I have very duelly moments and more duetish moments, and I’m not one thing all the time. I think sometimes elements of dueling and elements of dueting are present in the same person.

Over the last decade, texting seems to have overtaken speech as a form of conversation. The new iPhone even allows you to automatically turn your voice messages into texts. How do you think this will change this dynamic between the sexes?

I wrote a book in 1998 about this sort of thing, called “The Devoicing of Society,” but frankly, I don’t know. When email first started, a technical report was published called “Flaming and Shaming” about the use and misuse of electronic communication. They did a survey looking at the percentage of respondents who had said that email had indirectly led them to terminate a relationship. They pointed out that sometimes somebody sends an email to another person without knowing them very well. With email you’re left without background information, tone of voice, a face, so the words stand out nakedly on the screen. And email is almost a duelly medium because emails are not usually conversational - they’re more like bullet points. Also, I think there’s a much stronger impact of speech upon print than print upon speech.

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Do You Have A Perspective?
I'm always looking for people to guest post! Send me your thoughts at DatingManda@gmail.com.

Happy Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T01:00:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving. Eating.

BBL

NOM

Image Credits
Yums from squidoo.com.

Dating and Kids: How To Date My Parent

2011-11-23T01:00:00.000-05:00

I wrote a post a while ago called Dating With Kids where I reviewed some issues and potential solutions when you are a single parent and getting back into the dating world. After all, when you are a parent, you have to keep your children (however old) in mind.

I think a lot of times it is easy to get wrapped up in yourself and the need to either ignore or hyper protect children. After all, dates are meetings with strangers and there is no real guarantee if your child forms a relationship with someone you are dating that that person will stick around.

I decided to do some research (since I don't have kids) as to what kids think of their parent(s) dating. After all, kids are not "miniature adults" and they have different perspectives on this whole dating thing. As adults, we can do what is "right" and we can both protect and introduce them to situations - but what do kids have to say?

Keep in mind, these are the same creatures parents say:

There is a Santa Clause.
Vegetables make you grow big and strong.
Mommy and Daddy are just napping.
This is just going to sting.
We took Fido to the farm.
Mommy and Daddy never took drugs.
If you tell me the truth, you won't get in trouble.

First Things First

Serious

You need to be a parent! You need to make sure you are emotionally stable - more so than childless adults - in order to think clearly and make the best decisions for your family. You need to have plans and conversations set out from the first time you think, "I am ready to date." Maybe you just casually go out on some dates, maybe you are searching for a future spouse, either way, you cannot neglect your duty as a parent.

Being a parent is an all-the-time thing - not just on weekends, evening or when no one is watching. If you have a child, you will never be able to date the same way a childless person dates - end of story.

My Research
I listen, asked some questions and read some articles to get this information. I know, super-hard. Here are common trends I see when it comes to asking kids what they think of their parent(s) dating. This is, of course, set to the tone of having a stable home life and having kids who are accepting of the prospect of their parent(s) dating and introducing them to people.

Obviously, as a parent, you will need to get your child to that point. I'm just going to say they are already there.

Public Displays of Affection (PDAs) Suck

Eww

Hands down, most older kids (and some younger) have the same disgust for adults smooching, holding hands and being affectionate with each other. This is not that uncommon, my parents are happily married and I still go, "ick" when they smooch.

Dad: Your Mom is looking foxy this morning (smooches my Mom).
Manda: Dad, Mom please. Get a room!

Don't Be Fake

I buy it

Trying to hard, being too supportive and trying to be a "parent" too soon creates the impression of being fake. Don't treat someone else's kids as if they like you or want you around or think you are cool. Don't try to hard to win over a child. They see right through that stuff.

Manda: Wow, you did this all by yourself? You're so creative and smart! You might be one of the smartest people I know! How did you do all of this?
Child: I just dumped the box on the floor, geeesh!
Manda: Point taken, sir.

You're Not My Real Parent!

Also good to use with real parents

Just because Mom or Dad can talk their child in a certain way, or ask certain things, doesn't mean it's fine for a boy/girlfriend to do it. I'm not talking about major thing, either, something as simple as pet names or casual advice can backfire. Kids look to their parents for everything first. Until a real relationship is formed (and even then it can be iffy) don't try to rate much higher in the "cool" department than a child's teacher from last year.

Manda: Hi! I'm friends with your Dad. You want to be friends with me?
Child: *cry*

Be Respectful

Whatever

This not only means be respectful to the child at an age appropriate level but to also be respectful of his/her parent. If any action or phrase you say toward a child's parent is interpreted as mean, you will automatically be suspect and probably hated.

Manda: I can call her a bonehead, she's my cousin.
Child: No you can't! That's my Mom!

I'm Not Stupid

Truth!

Overall, as well, even for younger kids - listen, they know what's going on. Maybe they don't have all the words but they know. And they also might not want to talk about it. They actually might be neutral to indifferent to spending an extra night at a friend's house or having Mom's new boyfriend over for dinner. Don't treat dating or situations as if the child has no idea what is going on.

Manda: You have to go to bed so Santa can come and leave you presents.
Child: There is no such thing as Santa.
Manda: You just rocked my world.
Child: You're a bonehead.
Manda: Did you Mom teach you that?

Image Credit
Serious cat from cheezburger.com.
PDA from myidealwoman.wordpress.com.
Fake image from thechive.com
No real mom from vir4l.com
Most hated clipart from volunteertoday.com.
Drawning from liveandloveoutloud.com

Your Mate's Friends

2011-11-22T01:00:00.000-05:00

I posted about the Support Cast in your life and the importance of friends and family when you are dating. If you are dating, you are also going to run into your mate's supporting cast - and that can go either way.

I like friends

They Hate You - Reasons
Worse case situation, you meet your guy/gals friends and they hate you. It is important, if you want the relationship to survive, to figure out the reason for this hate.

Hate can be a strong word, so, let's break down the various ways you can be seen in the negative before you even have a chance to win this new crew over:

You stole him/her: It's very possible you are automatically in the negative because your budding relationship has taken your mate from his/her friends. Suddenly, your mate can't be there for everyone else and they are jealous.
You are like the other: Did your mate just come out of a bad relationship? Or have a bad relationship track record? You might be automatically hated because of past relationships.
You are not like the other: Sometimes the past mate was really, really loved by you new mate's friends and they automatically believe you could never be as good.

And be honest! It might be that you are responsible for some of the friction and you need to back off a bit or apologize. Reasons you might be at fault for the ill will can be:

You are changing him/her: Even if your mate is ok with the new ideas you bring in, you need to be respectful that this change might force change on platonic relationships around your mate. Demanding, belittling or calling things your mate does "dumb" around his/her friends, will put you in the "out" seat.
You are clingy: If you try to stake your claim too much in your mate, demand to go everywhere with him/her or check in when you know s/he is out with friend, you are going to be disliked for your lack of independence and trust.
You dislike them: If you automatically dislike your mate's friends and show this, you will be greeted with the same feelings. If you go out of your way to belittle the friendship, activities and history between your mate and his/her supporting cast, you are not going to be welcomed.

They Hate You - Fixes
If you want a relationship to truly work, you need to be mindful and respectful of your mate's support cast.

If you think there is bad blood or animosity, you need to try to fix it. And you can fix it - or at least get everyone on the same page. Here's some simple steps:

Back off: You are the outsider. You might love your mate, but, you are the new kid in town. You are not in the core group, you were not there for all the good/bad times - you need to slow your role. Don't try to run the show or throw your weight around, back off and give a bad situation a little time to cool down.
Break It Down: Don't look at your mate's friends as a single unit. If one friend runs his/her mouth, don't assume everyone is like that. Divide and conquer by addressing friends/family individually based on specifics.
Apologize: If you realize you have been judgmental and controlling (or your well meaning actions can be construed as this) apologize to those you offended. You can start by apologizing to your mate and acknowledge you might have been over-zealous.
Have A Plan: It's important to have specifics - not just a general, "What's your problem with me?" Since you have a general idea about the reasons for the negativity toward you, you can say, "I know you think I am changing John for the worst, but he really seems to like my suggests about stuff. I hope if he hated something, he would tell me." It also helps to throw in how you have learned more and changed through hanging with him/her. (You can see my post on Changing Your Mate for some ideas).

You Hate Them
If you find you really, really cannot stand all or most of your mate's friends, you need to be honest. Sure, there is always that one person we can't stand - I'm talking about not liking almost everyone you meet that is associated with the object of your affection.

First, you need to ask yourself if you should be in the relationship.If the people who your mate surrounds him/herself with are not the type of people you would choose be around, that says something for your mate. A relationship cannot survive if you hate his/her friends and family and you should never require your mate to give up these people for you. It won't work. Trust me. You will be the bad guy.

Second, if you do not like your mate's friends/family, you might need to learn to mellow out yourself. If you happen to be a quiet type and your mate's supporting cast is loud, you might need to adjust and grow yourself. Maybe you pick and choose your events and exposure to them while you get use to it. After all, different people are, well, different. Learning to get along, embrace and respect others is key in life. If you find you are trapped by your mate's friends and it's always a downer, bring it up nicely to your mate and ask for some help. Never bad-mouth your mate's friends, but, let him/her know how you feel.

Really, it comes down to respect. You need to give respect (not drama) at a maximum to everyone you meet. These people in your mate's life are important to him/her - you don't have to understand them or agree with them, but, if you care for you mate, you should do your best out of love for him/her. If you are met with negativity from your mate's friends, return it with clear explanations and positive thoughts.

Image Credit
Phone convo from chzdatingfails.files.wordpress.com

Dating, Obsessions and Stalking

2011-11-21T01:00:00.000-05:00

The unfortunate dark side of relationships can pop up. I'm not talking about a break-up, someone who cheats (see my Cheating. Ick post) or even just a bad call - I'm talking about when you become a victim or aggressor of criminal activity.

Red Flags
There is no one way or one signal that will tell you that you are in danger or a relationship will turn dark. You should always listen to your intuition (see my Safety and Online Dating post) and your supporting cast (see my Supporting Cast post).

However, there are some red flags you should be on the lookout for when dating and when your friends are dating.

Insecurities: Insecurities and jealousies can seem like par for the course, but, it really isn't.
Fast tracking relationships: If you find your mate is really pushing for a very serious relationship very soon, you should take it as a red flag. If you have only know your mate for a couple weeks or months and s/he is already trying to move in with you, marry you or spend all your time together, it's a mark of insecurity and potential problems.
Control: Of course, anyone who tried to control you and your happiness - forbid you from doing things, seeing people, etc - should be dumped. Anyone who continues to hurt your feelings and point out your flaws as a way to keep you in a relationship should also be dumped.
Lack of relationships: If you find your date has a lack of experience in romantic relationships (or very short ones) and has difficulty creating/maintaining platonic or professional relationships - run! Sure, I might be introverted, but, I prize and am proud of the friends I have.

I do want to mention, as well, there is this push in some "romance" type stories (TV, movies, books, etc) to make stalking seem like it's a good idea. It's really not. You can read an example of this in my Media and Relationships 4: Published Abuse post.

Not Stalking

I have made jokes in my blog here about my stalking abilities - I can assure you it is not a mental condition, it is a bad joke based on my need to be safe as a single lady.

I once had a boyfriend who almost flipped out when I told him I found his mortgage documents online and claimed I was stalking. The truth was, he had just bought the house not to long ago and in my normal background checking, they came up. There wasn't much I didn't already know - his address, his name, his age - I had this information and confirmed it. These documents are public.

Some truth to this

A simple background check, plugging someone's name into Google or Facebook is not stalking and should be a normal step when you met someone or met them online and want to meet them in person. The difference is there is no obsession or insecurity because it is merely a public fact-finding mission.

Keep in mind, you do have control over the amount of information you put into the world. If you Facebook page is open and public and you only have one email, chances are you are easy to find. Don't be upset when the information you throw out into the world is picked up by a "stranger." Protect yourself by only putting out into the world information that will not come back and haunt you.

If you remember, I ran into a little problem when I typed a guy's email into Facebook and found he was listed as "married." (check out my Match.com Check In: Twelve Weeks post) Stalking? No. Due diligence, yes. Date? No.

Stalking - Being Stalked
When a relationship ends, you hope it will end with maybe some tears, booze, soul-searching and recovery. However, some people do not believe a relationship should end and begin stalking and obsessing - sometimes to the point of criminal activity, harassment and death.

Stalking is not cute, fun or a joke. It's a serious and dangerous matter that often unreported or understood because there are few legal protections in place. Also, a lot of the time, stalking must escalate into violence before it is really recognized - otherwise, it seems like a lot of coincidence or she-said-he-said reports.

Danger

The following is a general list of behaviors that are considered stalking:

Following a person and showing up wherever s/he is.
Sending unwanted gifts, letters, cards or e-mails.
Damaging property.
Monitoring other relationships.
Using hidden cameras or GPS systems to track a person.
Threatening physical harm to the person, family, friends or pets.
Researching public records, hiring investigators, going through garbage or contacting friends, family, neighbors or co-workers for information.
Spreading nasty rumors online, through word-of-mouth or fliers.

If you believe you are the victim of stalking, you need to do a few things at once:

Stop all contact with the person. Do not respond to calls, emails, letters, etc.
It is very, very important to clearly tell the person who is stalking you that you do not want anymore contact and should the contact continue, you will file charges or go to the police.
Record every incident of contact your stalker makes (was outside your office, called 20 times, sent an email).
Tell everyone you know that you are being stalked and the name of the person stalking you - give them the details of each encounter.
Contact law enforcement and give them all your information - call them daily to report what is going on so they have a clear pattern of harassment.
Look up any type of stalking laws, restraining orders or other legal action you can take against your stalker. In the US, you can go to National Center for Victims of Crime website for information.

It is very important to understand that most stalking behavior does end in violence. It is not something you should take on yourself. Remember, law enforcement would much prefer for you to report something and have it go away than decide that you can handle it yourself (or you might be foolish) and end up dead.

Stalking, as a crime, has been making more and more headlines. The law has not completely caught up with this (often fatal) type of harassment so anything you can provide can be used to make stronger protection laws and longer sentences for those who stalk.

Stalking - You Are Stalking
When a relationship ends, it is so important to end it. Stalking is the result of a toxic and negative emotional state. If you find you cannot seem to get over the fact that your ex-mate doesn't want you, you need to seek help - perhaps professional.

When heartbreak turns to obsession

If you continually try to make contact with your ex-mate and find each of these meetings ends in negativity or rejection, you need to stop. The rejection will not stop.

Stalkers generally:

Think about a person constantly.
Try to favor any type of contact/attention through calls, gifts, meetings and emails.
Feel depressed when an outcome of a contact is unwanted.
Track a person through social media.
Get angry at anything that is not about the other person.

If you find yourself becoming obsessed with a single person, it is important to distract yourself from this person or situation and seek help. The inability to deal with the loss of a relationship is often deeply rooted in identity issues and self-esteem and have very little to do with the actual person being obsessed over.

I spent some time on a I Am a Stalker message board. Here are some quotes from people who believe they are stalking someone they "love."

I even made a fake twitter and facebook and added her to make sure her and my boyfriend don't flirt around or keep in contact anymore.
I dumped my ex over 2 years ago, thinking that we'd get back together like we always would, only to have him reject me forever. I'm now obsessed with this guy!!! I message him all the time. I'll email him, make a new Facebook when he blocks me, etc. The more he rejects me the more I obsess!
I don't know him. Well, that's what he thinks. We've never spoken before (except for one time I held the door open for him, he said thanks.) I check his facebook several several times a day. (I made a fake facebook pretending to be someone else and added him).
I know where he lives. I know his height, I know how organized he is, I know his favorite number, favorite color, birth day, birth place, his dominant hand, locations of visible beauty marks, goals in life, favorite beverage, zodiac sign, moon sign, best friends, mom's name, favorite kind of music, his locker, his parents are divorced, I know half of his schedule, his ethnicity. . .
Why! Why is it so hard for me to let go of women that ive cared for. The worse My latest bout with this insanity is behind me thow every once in a while ill call her in the middle of the night just to bother her or cause drama betweenher and antbody shes in bed with. I do this out of spite but in my mind i still love her and would be with her.

Image Credits
Cartoon from whollysblog.com.
Stalking image from drdeborahserani.blogspot.com.
Blind person from mid-centurymodernmoms.typepad.com

Manda's Century: Back and Forth

2011-11-20T01:00:00.000-05:00

It's been a week - let me explain.

First, on Monday I went to look at some cats. You know, see this lady about a cat and about 3 hours later. . .

Love me

This is Charlie, the new guy in my life. Yes, I took that first step toward becoming the crazy cat lady. Charlie is about 8 months, he has Feline Leukemia Virus (FeLV) but is doing just fine. FeLV in cats isn't like leukemia in people. I found this fact sheet from Cornell University which was also helpful.

Second, on Wednesday, it was the year anniversary of Dr. Burke passing away. He was the man who saved my life. He was probably one of the most caring, gentle and intelligent people I have ever met. He was really a true gentleman - just happened to never, ever be on time. His death was very sudden and sad and the world is a little less without him.

Dr. Burke

Third, I took Friday off so I could drive my friend Karen to get a treatment for her Lyme and/or other related illnesses. She is dependent on other people to drive her for treatments and, seriously, I'm going to pick someone's life over going to work any day.

So, biking has suffered a bit.

This minor ride was horrible. Horrible. I started dry heaving - poor sleep, poor eating and missing some meds really added up this week. I turned around to head home thinking I was wussing out and dry heaved some more on the way back. Monday will be better.

Lessons Learned
Look, sometimes life gets in the way. I know it is super important to eat right and, you know, take my medications, but one of those two things has been a little difficult lately.

I am going to try to ride in the corporate parking lot this week to ramp up my miles. If not, I am going to have to get more accustom to riding the streets at night. Maybe it would be worth hitting the path - which is safer for riding, but, against the law.

Weird.

The local government would prefer me to ride in the dark with the cars than in the dark on a public trail. I understand they don't want "dem kids" drinking and whatnot on the path, but, also limits any other activity.

Blah!

Perspectives: Rules for Men and Women

2011-11-18T01:00:00.000-05:00

Pat Suley is one of the occasional contributors (and Canadian correspondent) here at Midwest Sports Fans. I don't know anything else about him, 'cept he is participating in Movember.

Anyhow, I thought this article was pretty worthy - and here is it, on my blog.

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34 Rules Every Man (and Woman) Should Live By
By Pat Suley
April 23, 2011

I’ve had this Living Rules list for over two years now. I think it’s important to learn from your mistakes and the mistakes of others.

So much in the style of Gibbs from NCIS, I decided to document my personal set of rules in order to better follow them. Unlike the primetime Alpha Male, however, I made it a note on Facebook.

Jerod, everyone’s favorite webmaster, was obviously creeping my Facebook profile to read my plethora of amazing Eric Hinske jokes and came across my note. He felt the list was some good inspirational content.

So here they are, in slightly expanded form.

If I were to go any more in depth, I’d likely have a small self help book on my hands, and I really have too much hair to be writing those.

Why 34 Rules? Because The Blue Jays’ Marc Rzepczynski is the ultimate man. No, but seriously, it’s because I just happen to have found these 34 things to be worth keeping as rules.

Remember folks, these rules are designed for myself, but I’d be lying if I didn’t think most of them were a good guideline for how to eliminate stress and work towards your goals, which really is the meaning of life, is it not?

1) “There’s no crying in baseball” is my life.
There is no crying in baseball, thus there is not crying in my life.

All kidding aside, feeling bad about your problems does not fix your problems. Take a cue from Barney Stinson: when you get sad, stop being sad and be awesome instead.

2) Don’t Apologize
People should never have to apologize. Remember, I’m Canadian and saying this.

When you apologize, either you’re apologizing for something you never should have done in the first place or you’re feeling bad (or pretending to feel bad) about something that you really shouldn’t.

If you did something wrong, yes, apologize. But if you really did something awful, some simple words will not make it better. And while it’s “nice” to try and make people feel better, accepting blame for something you did not do is beyond stupid.

3) Be confident no matter what.
Not only is confidence sexy, but confident behavior breeds success. If you have a job interview, who will the potential employer be more likely hire? The more confident person.

Society has crippled many of us with a belief that humility is the ultimate virtue, but that doesn’t mean you need to be a wuss. Now don’t be a cocky arsehole, but let it be known what you are capable of.
Believe in yourself or no one else ever will.

4) The best way to keep a secret? Keep it to yourself. Second best? Tell one other person, if you must. There is no third best.
I outright stole the wording from NCIS, but I have long sung the praises of being private about certain things. The best way to avoid gossip is to not allow yourself to be part of it. Be someone people can trust; keep your mouth shut.

Remember, gossips talk about other people because their lives aren’t interesting enough.

5) It’s better to seek forgiveness than to ask permission.
Live your life according to your own rules. Instead of nervously tip-toeing through life, plow through it like Travis Fryman breaking up a double-play. (Don’t get that reference? Read about Fryman here.)

Be a risk-taker. Don’t be reckless, but unapologetically go for the things you want.

6) Always carry a lighter.
See, not all of these are heavy. Lighters are useful. Interesting people sometimes need one. It’s a great way to meet new people. Always be prepared.

7) Obey the Platinum Rule.
“Don’t eat where you poop.” Basically, do not get romantically involved with anybody that you have to deal with on a regular basis, be that a co-worker, classmate, neighbor, batting cage operator etc.
The odds are against it working out, and why add unnecessary stress to your life if that person (or yourself) ends up crazy?

8) If you need space, become totally unreachable.
When you want time off, TAKE TIME OFF! Turn off the email, cell phone, don’t make plans, just be with yourself and your thoughts.

People have a harder time than ever letting go of their electronic crutches. I’m at least old enough to remember when cell phones and email did not exist. People got along just fine. Chances are, many of those things that seem so important at the time aren’t, and someone else can handle it while you take care of yourself.

It’s okay to be selfish for a day. It will make you more open and tolerant of others when you are available.

9) Take responsibility.
There is a common theme here of not being a wuss.

Stop making excuses. If you screw something up, acknowledge it, take ownership of it, and take action to fix it. People will respect you more. They will also bother you less. If you know you messed up, they will give you space to correct yourself.

This goes back to being confident. Show it even in your failures.

10) Never betray a friend.
There is no excuse for betrayal. It is always possible to advance in life without stepping on other people.
Be someone you can like when you look in the mirror.

11) Always go for it / “It’s Always On”
Tomorrow turns into never.

Don’t wait for ideal situations to do things, because there is never an ideal situation. The universe doesn’t conspire against you, but it also isn’t going to line everything up perfectly either. If you want something, go for it immediately. You will regret the things you didn’t do way more than the things you do.

The second half of this is directed to the dating world. See that stranger you want to talk to? Go do it, and do it now. People are perceptive. She sees you eyeing her, so instead of being the creep, be the smooth person who makes her day. This goes double for women. Don’t be sexist, go talk to that man!

12) Don’t believe everything you’re told. Double check.
Just because you aren’t full of crap, doesn’t mean other people aren’t. People interpret and hear things incorrectly. I’m not saying don’t believe people, but definitely take the time to find things out for yourself too.

13) Don’t date crazy horse girls.
Remember that girl in Grade 5 who LOVED horses? She drew pictures of them in class, pretended to be a horse galloping around at recess, and dreamed of riding her horse everyday. She was weird, wasn’t she?
The point is, never date anyone who can only focus on one thing. Find a well-rounded person who can calibrate their behavior to the given situation. Don’t get stuck with someone who will eventually bore you.

14) Never turn down a gift.
It’s rude. If someone wants to buy you a drink, give you a hug, or drive you somewhere, let them. It doesn’t make you dependent on them, and it will make that person’s day to do something for you. Everyone is happier.

15) Never have a relapse.
Not talking about drug or alcohol addition here, though that is obviously an awful idea too. I’m talking dating again.

If you broke up with someone or they broke up with you it’s because IT DID NOT WORK. Yes, people do change, but once you’ve established an ineffective relationship framework, you will most likely be doomed to repeat it.

Stop being lazy and find someone new or just be happy on your own.

16) Always carry $200 cash. Just in case. (On a road trip or vacation, increase to $1000)
I learned this during the blackout almost a decade ago. Technology fails time to time. Money is useful everywhere, all the time. Cover your ass.

Also, carry your money somewhere other than where you carry your credit and bank cards. If you lose one, you at least have the other accessible source of money.

I’m so getting mugged tonight.

17) Accept things the way they are.
This works in conjunction with not crying. While you have the ability to change parts of your reality, you need to man up and accept what has already happened. If something bad happens, move on and work to ensure it won’t happen again.

Stop stressing over what you can not control, and control whatever you can.

18) When someone doesn’t like you, it’s a gift.
It’s just one less person to worry about.
There are to many great people to worry about the haters. And if they hate, them let em hate and watch the money pile up.

19) Most people are “creative” and “original” in the exact same way all their friends are. Treat accordingly.
Despite our best efforts, we are all products of our environment. We all subconsciously become amalgamations of the people around us.

There are very few truly “original” ideas out there. Everything is derived from something else.

20) Always be a wingman for a friend in need.
Help your friends, don’t step on them. When you help other people, you will feel good. Be the kind of person you wish others were more like.

21) Keep people in your life if they improve it. If they are a burden, eliminate them.
Notice the links between Rules 15, 17, 18 and this one?

Some people are bad for you. Friendship is largely not a choice. You can not control people who you will have commonalities with. At the same time, the people in your life should improve your life on balance, as you should improve theirs. Sometimes all that means is they add excitement and fun, but that is enough.

If someone becomes a burden to your life, you don’t need them anymore. It’s okay to fire/break-up with friends when they stop being friends.

22) Don’t seek the approval of others. Validate yourself.
Don’t seek compliments. Don’t do things because you think other people will like you more. Do things that make you happy. Be confident in the person you are and know that if you like yourself, others do too. You don’t need to hear it.

23) Don’t ever mess with Suley’s coffee if you want to live.
Seriously, this is not a joke.

24) Don’t idealize the opposite (or same) sex or relationships. Public Transit Theory.
Public Transit Theory: Attractive people are like the city bus. If you miss one, another will come by in 15 minutes. (Unless it’s the end of the night, then hop on whatever will take you home.)

25) Don’t compare yourself to other people. Live your own life.
I am very competitive. With myself.

I cannot control what anyone else does, nor should I care what anyone else does. If someone beats me out for a job or accolade, and I did my absolute best, there is no shame there; it was beyond my control. Other people have their own issues that you don’t see, so who cares about them?

26) Leave every situation better off than you found it.
This applies to everything. If you can look back on something that you have influenced, and know that your influence was positive, then you have succeeded.

This rule is a favorite of mine because it encourages you to govern to your own values and beliefs and worry less about society’s skewed value system. If you make your life and the lives of those you touch better, you are absolutely a success.

By that same token, do not do anything that will negatively affect another person. Be a positive.

27) Family is the most important thing in the world and often, it is all you can rely on.
This explains itself. Family should be priority number 1. Chances are you have long been their top priority too.

28) Don’t procrastinate.
Procrastinating adds unnecessary stress and shows weakness.

I was long victimized by procrastination. I’m still not perfect. However, your inability to focus is not something you should accept. You control your behavior, so just get it done. It has to get done anyways.
The reward is you will be stress-free after the task is completed. If it takes 2 hours to do something, do it in your first available 2 hours. Then you won’t have to worry about it like the person who will think about this “daunting task” for weeks and not enjoy any of the time they fooled themselves into thinking was “free”.

It isn’t “free-time” if you can’t escape the shackles of your own stress.

29) If you “need” outside influences (be they people, drugs, activities) to have fun, you are not fun.
Notice the word need.

I’m not saying you should never drink or do drugs; what I’m saying is don’t rely on it for a good time. A buzz can be fun, but if you cannot have a good time sober, you are incapable of have a legitimate good time.
You shouldn’t need the plausible deniability of intoxication to do things you actually want to do. You don’t need a crutch.

30) Know that there is a time to play and a time to win.
There are times when you need to rise up and be your absolute best. To buckle down and be a leader.
I firmly believe in living a stress-free existence when possible. That being said, you need to know how and when to rise to the occasion.

31) Don’t have heroes.
When you idolize others, you diminish yourself. Become the person you think all others should want to be.
If someone does not want to trade places with you, you aren’t living life properly.
Instead of wanting to be someone else, be the person people envy.

32) It’s better to be overdressed than underdressed.
People will assume you are going to, or coming from, something better.
Don’t settle to just “be yourself”. Be your best self. Look the way you feel. And you should feel like the coolest person in the room.

33) Whenever you mention you are about to mention knowing about a band/TV Show/book before it became cool, remember the person you are talking to is discovering you before you become cool. Idiot.
Don’t be “that guy”. No one likes “that guy”.

You have not done anything special by hearing about something first. You are not actually creating the art in question, so you deserve absolutely no credit. Share cool things with people, but don’t feel like it makes you special.

34) Make a phone call; better yet, talk in person. Texting is for 12-year old girls.
Texting has a use: short, specific instruction or statements that require no response. Stop wasting your time texting every 30 seconds.

Make a phone call, have the conversation, and FINISH the conversation. Improve your social skills and give yourself some actual “free-time”.

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Do You Have A Perspective?
I'm always looking for people to guest post! Send me your thoughts at DatingManda@gmail.com.

Great Advice #32: Never Ignore a Person Who Cares

2011-11-17T01:00:00.000-05:00

The weeks keep on truckin' - here is some friendly advice!

Never ignore a person who loves you, cares for you, and misses you. Because one day, you might wake up from your sleep and realize that you lost the moon while counting the stars.

Supernovas are the new love

Context
I came across this quote on the Internetz. I spent some time trying to find the author with no success. I did find a bunch of other quotes - mostly about guys watching girls sleep and slightly whinny quotes about never going back and how things have changed.

*gag*

Application

Let's put a realistic spin on this because the teenage-minded set looks at this as a great quote about unrequited love. This quote is not about you really liking someone who doesn't like you. When someone isn't interested in you and you continue to believe there is love there, it is obsessive and really creepy. Take a hint, not everyone is the moon to who they wish they were the moon for.

Now, realistically!

In solid relationships, both platonic and romantic, it can be easy to start to take the person for granted - this is the surface of many, many quotes. Taking this a step farther, it can be easy to believe that that affection given by a person (or people) in your life is the standard and anyone else would do the same thing.

This is the fatal error.

When you start to look for something "better" or "flashier" in the world, you will have to give up some of the things you have. It is important to give up things that aren't working for you and bring you down and replace them with good things.

However, when you fail to appreciate the strengths and weaknesses of those who care about you and sacrifice something because you take it for granted, you will probably be unable to reclaim it. Even if you dumped a friend for what you thought was better and then apologize and get the friend back, you will have changed the relationship and it will never be the same.

Like My Advice?
To catch up on past posts, you can visit my Great Advice Series page which contains a complete list of links to all my Thursday posts.

As always, if you think you have some good advice for me to report on, leave me a comment on this post or email me at DatingManda@gmail.com.

Image Credits
Heart from mag.citizenseye.com